


Brothers

by padalelli



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adam is still in the cage btw, Anxiety, BF Sam, Brother Adam, Brother Dean, F/M, Half-Siblings, Nightmares, Overprotective Dean, Possible Triggers so sorry I should've tagged them earlier, Protective Dean, Season 5 Spoilers, Season 6 Spoilers, Season 7 Spoilers, Season 8 Spoilers, Trigger: Anxiety and Panic attacks, Trigger: Mentions of Self Harm, Trigger: Torture, You'll See., lol weird sibling dynamic, rated m for possible eventual smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2015-02-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 06:33:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2498126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/padalelli/pseuds/padalelli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever since your half-brother, Adam, who you shared a mother with, got locked in the Cage, you did anything to get him out. Turns out you aren't the only one that would do anything for your brother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Adam

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so I originally wanted to post this all as one thing, but it's getting kind of long and kind of out of hand, so I've decided to post it in little chunks. I still don't know how long it will be, so be warned.

You'd heard stories of what Hell was like, but you couldn't have even begun to understand how horrific it was until you got trapped there. You had heard that your younger half-brother, Adam got trapped down there. So, being the idiotic hunter you were, you bought a one way ticket there to retrieve him and bring him back to earth. You practically gave Crowley your soul for free. You asked for the knowledge of the best hunters on earth and said he could have your soul in a year. He laughed, thinking the deal was a waste on your part, but he didn't know your plan.  
After getting torn apart by a hellhound, you found yourself in a cell Downstairs. You heard wailing and crying and screaming, most of all. But in the distance, you heard fighting. It sounded like a physical confrontation between several men. You had a feeling Adam was one of them. You could recognize him anywhere, even if it was just his screams.  
A few days later, you woke up in your cell, after being tortured to no end by the demons below. You could still hear the sounds of the other souls, but you could no longer hear the sound of fighting. You slowly lifted your head and saw that your cell was unlocked and cracked open. You braced yourself against the wall to stand up. It was painful, but you knew that it could be far worse. You left the cell and limped down the halls, searching for where the fighting sounds had previously been coming from. When you found it, you saw Lucifer's cage. The Cage. And you saw, unconscious in opposite corners, Lucifer and Michael. Lucifer looked like a middle-aged man with several sores on his face. And Michael had taken Adam's form.  
But you knew it wasn't Adam. Because by both bodies, singed onto the ground, were angel wings. And there was a tiny blue light floating in the center of the cage. That, that was Adam. But with his body rendered useless, his soul had nowhere to go.  
Maybe you could get him to Heaven, you thought. Maybe. But how would you get his soul out of the cage? Maybe you could just reach between the bars and grab the soul. Unless Lucifer and Michael weren't finished fighting. What if they woke up? Well, it wasn't like they could do anything to you. But they might hurt Adam more. You were scared. So you left his soul there and tried to find a way out of Hell.  
There weren't any physical doors in Hell. Only passages and gates. So when you finally came upon a wooden door, you eagerly opened it. You immediately regretted it when there were strong winds sucking you into wherever it was the door led you. Then you found yourself in Purgatory. You quickly learned it wasn't a friendly place to be, but it was definitely better than being in Hell. After killing monsters (again) in Purgatory for a year, you came upon another human that was trapped there. More like he came upon you.  
You were down by a creek, rinsing fresh blood off of your face and taking a drink, when you heard a twig snap behind you. You instinctively drew out your makeshift weapon (you weren't quite sure what to call it) and turned around, ready to kill whatever was behind you. You were a little confused when you saw a man, just as dirty and paranoid as you, standing there holding his own weapon out in front of him. "Go on, attack me," you said, thinking he was a monster.  
"Sweetheart, I only kill things that try to kill me first," he responded with a deep husky voice.  
"Are you a human?" you asked. No monster would ever wait to kill in Purgatory.  
He nodded. "You too, huh?" he asked, putting his weapon away. "What's your name?" he asked, approaching you.  
You put your weapon down as well. "[Y/N]," you told him.  
"I'm Dean. Nice to meet you, [Y/N]," he said. He held out his hand for you to shake.  
You froze when you heard the name. "Dean? As in Dean Winchester? The Michaelsword, the reason my brother got locked in the cage with Lucifer, because you wouldn't say yes to Michael but my brother was gullible enough to?" Your voice was full of anger.  
"Wait wait wait, your brother?" Dean asked confused. "Adam Milligan is your brother?" he asked.  
"Well, my half-brother. We have the same mom. But we grew up together, so yeah, he's my brother. Why?" you asked, the anger subsiding as you explained.  
"Adam Milligan is my half-brother. We have the same dad," Dean said.  
"John Winchester is Adam's father?" you asked. "No. No way."  
"That's what me and my brother thought when we found out about Adam. We were pretty pissed. That our dad took the time to be a dad for Adam, but for us he just handed us guns and told us where to shoot," Dean said. "You didn't know about John?" he asked.  
"No. No, I guess whenever he came into town for Adam I was with my dad," you said. Then you connected the dots. "They used Adam because of John, didn't they? Because when you said no, Adam was technically from the same bloodline..."  
"Yeah," Dean said blankly. "I'm sorry,[Y/N]. Truly, I am. But it isn't my fault that they went to Adam," he told you.  
Your anger came flooding back. "Your brother said yes to Lucifer, why couldn't you just say yes to Michael?!" you yelled. "But instead my brother has to be the one that gets left in the cage!"  
"So did my brother!" Dean yelled.  
"Oh, please. You didn't grow up with him. You didn't look after him or take care of him! I did! You didn't even know he existed!" you replied.  
"I'm not talking about Adam. I'm talking about Sam," Dean said, calmer now. "Sam got locked in the cage too, you know. Sam was the one I looked after and took care of. And he got locked in the cage with Michael and Lucifer just like Adam did."  
"Well, Sam is out. Adam's still stuck there. Adam's the whole reason I'm even here," you said, holding your arms open.  
"What do you mean?" Dean asked.  
"I sold my soul to be a hunter. A year later, I went to Hell hoping to find Adam with all the knowledge that came from hunting. A few days later, my cell was open. I found the cage. Michael and Lucifer were dead. But Adam's soul was still in there. Just floating. I was too scared to try to get him out, so I focused on getting myself out. I opened a door and ended up here. That was a year ago. I've been here for a year," you told him.  
"[Y/N]..." Dean whispered. You could see the sorrow he felt for you in his eyes. Then they widened. "Wait, you're telling me there's a physical door from here to Hell?" he asked. You nodded, looking at him strangely. "If that's the case, then there must be a door or something back to Earth, right?" he asked.  
"I guess, yeah. But I've been here for a year, Dean. Even if there is a door, I don't think we'll find it anytime soon," you said.  
"Doesn't mean we shouldn't try. Plus, there's two of us now. It'll be easier."  
You couldn't hate Dean the way you did five minutes ago. He had lost his brother to the fight between the angels, just like you had. It wasn't his fault you went to so many lengths for Adam. You were sure he probably did the same for Sam. The only difference was that he had succeeded. You suddenly hated yourself instead for failing your brother when Dean hadn't failed his. "How'd you end up here?" you asked softly.  
"Stood too close to an exploding Leviathan," he told you. "Speaking of which, we should probably find shelter for the night. It won't be too long before a set of vamps or werewolves or shifters finds us."  
"You're right." You nodded. The two of you walked around and found a nice hole in the side of a cliff, where you hid out for the night. Dean told you about how Sam got out of the cage. That it wasn't Dean that got him out, it was Castiel. That Cas got Sam out, and about a year later got Sam's soul out, and then one thing lead to another and Cas let the Leviathan loose and that's how Dean ended up here.


	2. Purgatory and Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You make it through Purgatory with Dean, but Cas gets left behind and you aren't expecting what might happen when you get back to the real world after being away from it for two years.

For the next year, you and Dean killed things in Purgatory together. Somewhere during that time frame, you met Castiel. "Cas? How did you get here?" Dean asked him. The angel had grown a beard and was wearing hospital clothes beneath his coat.  
"Well, angels can really only be killed by another angel and with an angel blade. So I guess when my vessel exploded, I ended up here," Castiel said. "So I see you've met [Y/N] [L/N]," he then said.  
"Wait, you know who she is?" Dean asked.  
"Of course. She's very similar to you, Dean. A noble human being. Loyal, determined, brave. I unlocked her cell in Hell when I was retrieving Sam's soul," Cas told Dean.  
"You opened my cell?" you asked. "Well, why didn't you take Adam's soul back? Why didn't you take me back?" you asked.  
"I didn't have the time or strength," he said. "I knew if I could only do so much, I could at least give you a little help. I knew you could get out on your own, maybe even with Adam."  
"But I couldn't," you told Cas. "I just left Adam there. And I couldn't even get out, I mean, I got here, but that's not exactly 'out' now, is it?" Rage was boiling inside of you. Dean put his hand on your shoulder and pulled you into his arm.  
"Don't worry, [Y/N]. We're close. I can feel it," Dean said. He had grown to be like a brother to you. He sort of was, since you shared a half-brother- but different halves. But he had you and you had him and you were enough alike to consider each other family. He treated you like a little sister and you let him. You protected each other.  
You let your anger fade away and Castiel helped you find the portal back to Earth. Three years after Adam went to Hell, two years after you had escaped (sort of) Hell yourself and gotten into Purgatory, one year after Dean found you in Purgatory, you finally were back on Earth, flesh and blood. Dean helped you through the portal, and Cas left himself behind. Dean thought it was his fault, that he let Cas fall. But you knew the truth. That Cas wanted to stay there, only God knows why. But you decided not to say anything to Dean about it.  
When the two of you got back to Earth, you were covered in dirt and blood, and the only thing you had were the weapons you'd made in Purgatory. You were both terrified and paranoid when you got out. Mostly because you couldn't tell it wasn't Purgatory. It was night and you were in the middle of a forest. You and Dean held hands, your fingers intertwined. Your free hands were holding your weapons. You suddenly came upon a tent. "Dean, we have to be back, right?" you whispered. "I mean, this wouldn't be in Purgatory."  
"Yeah, [Y/N], I wouldn't be so sure," Dean whispered back.  
Suddenly, a girl came out of the tent and screamed when she saw the two of you. A boy shortly followed and you both held your weapons up. "Hey, easy," the guy said, but his voice was terrified.  
Dean stepped forward and grabbed their backpack off the ground, his hand never letting go of yours. Once he slung the backpack over his shoulder, he pulled you along and the two of you ran.  
You ran to the road and hitchhiked with no luck. Probably because of how awful you looked. You trudged to the nearest bus stop, where you washed up in the bathroom and then hopped on a bus to Iowa. "What's in Iowa?" you asked Dean.  
"My brother and I have this meeting place for when we get separated and haven't contacted each other for a while," Dean told you.  
"We're meeting Sam?" you asked.  
"Yeah. Course. Why wouldn't we?" he replied.  
"I guess I just assumed you and your brother didn't really..." you trailed off. "I don't know. I thought you guys might have a bad relationship."  
"Well, we have our ups and downs. But he's always my brother. And I always love him," he told you.  
You nodded and leaned your head on his shoulder. "I just... I don't have a brother like that anymore," you murmured.  
"Of course you do, [Y/N]. You have me. I know we're technically not related, but you're still a little sister to me," he said. It made you happy to know you had someone to count on, after spending the three years after losing your brother afraid of everything. Afraid of Crowley and his hellhounds, then afraid of everything in Purgatory. There was nothing to be afraid of anymore. Although you were nervous with the thought of meeting Sam. You knew from your deal that there had to be parallels between Sam and Lucifer for him to be able to be the devil's vessel. But you also knew that he was a good man because Dean practically raised him. He had to be. So you kept an open mind.  
It was a day and a half bus ride from Maine to Iowa, and you hadn't slept in two years. At least, not more than an hour at a time. So you decided it would be a good time to get some sleep. You curled up in your seat next to Dean and shut your eyes. But once you really got to sleep, visions from you short time in Hell and your endless time in Purgatory plagued your dreams. You woke up gasping for air. "Hey, [Y/N], what's wrong?" he asked you, wrapping his arm around you.  
You chuckled. "Turns out a few days in Hell and two years in Purgatory makes for some nasty nightmares," you said.  
"Go back to sleep. Even if you have nightmares, I'll be right here when you wake up," he told you.  
You nodded and went back to sleep. You were able to have some steady dreams before the nightmares came pouring in. You dreamt about an apple pie life with your brothers- Adam and Dean. The three of you each had a normal life, and you got together every week to go to a bar or something of that nature. Until you saw Crowley. He set his hellhound on Dean, and Adam tried to get them away before Dean was ripped to shreds. Adam yelled at you to get away, but you just stood there, frozen. You saw the floor covered in blood and the limbs of your brothers before the hound attacked you. You felt pain, endless pain. Then you woke up again. Dean was still there, worried about you. "How long was I asleep?" you asked.  
"About six hours that time," Dean said.  
"Have you slept at all?" you asked him.  
"I took about a twenty minute nap a couple hours ago," he said casually.  
"Dean, if I have to sleep, so do you," you said firmly. "So I'm not going to sleep again until you do. Got it?" you asked.  
"You need it more than I do. Plus, I usually don't get more than eight hours a week. I'm sure before your world got turned upside down, you got a solid eight hours a night," he defended himself.  
"Yeah, well, for the past few years I haven't been getting more than eight hours a week either. So we're even. Go to sleep. And I'll know if you're faking," you said.  
He retracted his arm. "Fine." He leaned against the window and after about fifteen minutes, he was lightly snoring. Eight hours passed before he woke up. The bus stopped at a gas station during that time, but you wanted to watch over Dean so you didn't bother to get off the bus. When he woke up, he seemed to have forgotten where he was, and you had to hold him down after he mildly freaked out. "How long was I out?" he asked, still jittery.  
"Eight hours. We have about another sixteen hours ahead of us," you told him.  
"Okay, well, how about you sleep until the bus stops again. Then we can get off, grab some snacks, stretch a little bit."  
"Okay." You nodded. According to Dean, it was about another four hours before the bus stopped and he had to wake you up. But this time he woke you up, not the nightmares. Which you assumed was a good sign.  
"Hey, sleepyhead, time to get up," he murmured as he shook your arm.  
You sighed inwardly as you opened your eyes. You had gotten on the bus six a.m., about twenty hours had passed on the bus, and it was dark outside. Probably about two in the morning. You had another half day before you got to this mystery meeting place. You and Dean took turns sleeping for the remainder of the bus ride, and you were the one who was awake when you finally reached your destination. "Dean, we're here," you told him. As soon as he woke up, he ushered you to stand up and the two of you got off the bus and grabbed the only thing you had- the stolen backpack. You had to walk from the bus stop to this meeting spot, but luckily it was only about five miles and it took you a couple of hours. When you got there, you saw this ramshackle house covered in angel sigils and devil signs.  
When you entered, the inside was even dirtier. But compared to what you had been through recently, this place was as clean as a hospital room.  
Dean dug around the cabinets for a silver knife, bleach, and holy water. A few minutes after he found them, Sam walked through the door. Dean tackled him to the ground, poured the liquids on him and cut him with the knife. "Not a demon! Or leviathan!" Sam said angrily.  
"Or shifter," Dean said after cutting him. "Come on, you know the drill," he said. Sam refused to do the same to Dean so he did it to himself before letting Sam up.  
"You're alive," Sam said. "You're really alive. What happened, man?" Sam hadn't even noticed you in the room, but you noticed him. He was tall, handsome, had the sweetest eyes you'd ever seen on a man- besides Dean and Adam. Maybe they got it from John.  
"Turns out standing too close to exploding Dick sends your ass straight to Purgatory," Dean said.  
"Purgatory?" Sam asked. His face was filled with disappointment. Not in Dean, in himself. "You were in Purgatory for the whole year?" You could tell by the look on his face that he was disappointed in himself for failing his brother. You could tell because you'd had the same look on your own face when you couldn't save Adam.  
"Yeah," Dean said. "But don't worry, I had company. Sam, I want you to meet [Y/N]. She had it a lot worse than I did. She was in Purgatory for a year before I was." You stepped forward.  
"How'd she end up there?" Sam asked, looking at you.  
"Long story. I'm sure she'll tell you later. She's Adam's half-sister. The half that we're not related to. She and Adam had the same mom," Dean started off.  
"Adam?" Sam asked.  
"Yes, John's son Adam," you answered his unspoken question. "But I'm not blood to you guys, so don't worry about familial obligations," you told him.  
"You are family, [Y/N]," Dean said to you. Then he turned to Sam. "She's become like a little sister to me Sam, so she's sticking with us. Hope you don't have a problem with it," Dean told him.  
But Sam didn't seem to have a problem with it, because as soon as Dean finished his sentence, Sam walked over to you and pulled you into a bear hug. Like you were already family. Which you were to Dean, but not to Sam. So you were a little shocked by the hug. "Oh, um, okay," you stuttered as you hugged him back.  
"It's nice to meet you, [Y/N]," Sam said. Then he turned around and hugged Dean tightly. You could tell how much Sam had missed Dean.  
After they released each other from the embrace, Dean asked, "So what have you been doing for the last year?"  
"Looking for you, mostly. The first couple of months I interrogated demons. All of them said you weren't in Hell. After that I moved on to angels, but they said you weren't in Heaven either. I tracked down some other hunters to help me, but they couldn't either. Finally I found some books that mentioned Purgatory, but by the descriptions of it, I thought you'd be dead by the time I got to you. So I started over. I tried to find out where you might've been if you died in Purgatory. But no luck. So at the nine month mark, I gave up." You had to applaud Sam's perseverance, but Dean just raised his eyebrows. "I'm sorry I failed you again, Dean," Sam said.  
Dean became furious at that. "Failed me? Sammy, you didn't fail me. You looked for me longer and harder than I would've expected you to. It's not your fault you couldn't get me out, Sam, at least you looked. You've never failed me, Sammy. Never," Dean told him. Sam remained silent. "Whatta ya say we get to Bobby's old place?" Dean suggested.  
Sam nodded. "Yeah. Let's go," he said solemnly.  
The three of you walked out the door and went over to a 1967 Chevy Impala parked outside. "Aw, Baby!" Dean said happily as he reunited with his car, tracing his hand across the hood. "I gotta say, Sammy, you took care of her pretty well."  
"Well, you said you'd haunt me if I did anything to her, so..." Sam replied.  
Dean got in the driver seat and Sam got in the passenger seat. You were hesitant to get in the car, not having a usual place there.  
"Come on, [Y/N]," Dean said. With his approval, you climbed into the backseat and relaxed a little.  
"So, [Y/N]. Purgatory for two years?" Sam asked you.  
"Oh, yeah. Well, it started when Adam said yes to Michael..." you began.  
"And how are you related to Adam again?" Sam asked.  
"We have the same mom. He's my half-brother, but I practically raised him. I mean I grew up with him and he was my little brother, so, I had to," you told him. "Anyway, when Adam said yes to Michael and got locked in the cage, I sold my soul to a demon named Crowley. In return he gave me the knowledge of the best hunter on the planet and a year to live. So I spent that year trying to figure out a way to get Adam out of the cage once I got to Hell. Once the year was up, I was torn apart by hellhounds, and the next thing I knew I was in Hell. I couldn't have been in there more than three or four days, but it felt like a year. Someone opened my cell, I saw Adam's soul, couldn't get it out, and I opened a door from Hell to Purgatory. I spent a year on my own in Purgatory before Dean found me. Then once I had Dean with me, we spent the next year searching for the door back to Earth. And here we are," you told Sam.  
"How old are you?" Sam asked.  
"What year is it? 2012? I must be 27 then. Adam was five years younger than me."  
"And I gather the two of you," he gestured to you and Dean, "grew pretty close in Purgatory?" Sam asked.  
"Yeah," you and Dean said simultaneously. "He's a great brother, Sam," you said. "I wish I could call him my own brother."  
"As far as I'm concerned, [Y/N], you're family. I'm happy to be your brother," Dean said. "Sam, however... Sam you might have to work up to. I'm sure you'll have time to spend together, though."  
So for the rest of the car ride, you carried on conversation with and got to know Sam Winchester. He seemed like a great guy. You couldn't understand how he had ever been chosen as Lucifer's vessel. For the three months between giving up the search for Dean and finding Dean, he had tried to settle down a couple of times, but it just never worked out. He couldn't stay in one place with a girl instead of his brother. Which you understood, of course, the two men were tighter than the Jonas Brothers' pants.  
After you got to Bobby's, Dean took some fake credit cards and some cash and went out to get fresh clothes and food for the two of you, leaving you and Sam alone together. "So, Dean told me a little about Bobby back in Purgatory. This was his place?" you asked.  
Sam was sitting on the couch and staring blankly at the coffee table. Then he realized you were talking to him, so he looked up at you and said, "Yeah. Yeah, this is really the only place we have that we can call home. And even so..." Sam told you.  
"So you're on the road? Go all over the place looking for trouble? Most hunters just handle the monsters in their general vicinity," you said.  
"Yeah, well, not every place has someone to save it," Sam told you.  
"I guess," you responded. "I meant it when I said you have a great brother, Sam."  
He snickered. "Yeah, I know."  
"So the last three months you tried settling down, huh?" you asked.  
"Not settle down, really. But yeah, I did try to find someone. I just couldn't," he told you.  
"What was stopping you?"  
"Just a state of unrest, I guess," he said.  
"Well, you can rest easy now," you told him.  
"So Dean said you were like a little sister to him. Did he mean that or is there something more between you two?" Sam asked.  
"What? You mean...? Nonono. He definitely meant sister. There is nothing like that between us." You loved him, but you weren't in love with him. "Why? Taken an interest in me?" you asked Sam jokingly.  
He chuckled. "I just wanted to make sure I knew the dynamic. It seems to be pretty important to him that I like you."  
"Well, you mean a lot to him. So your opinion means a lot to him," you said. "I hope you like me too. Dean's talked about you so much. If a guy like you likes a girl like me, then I must be a pretty decent person."  
"Don't go putting me on a pedestal. Not before you get to know me," Sam said.  
"I'm not putting you on a pedestal, Sam. I'm just letting you know what your approval of me means to me and Dean. Don't take it the wrong way," you told him.  
He turned back to look at the TV and turned it on. You sat down next to him on the couch and watched it with him. About twenty minutes later, Dean was back. He had a brown paper bag full of food and some Walmart bags full of clothes. "[Y/N], I didn't know your size so I just got three different sizes of everything I thought you needed," he said as he came through the door. "Don't call me a perv, I went ahead and got you some bras and panties and stuff."  
"Ah!" You flinched. "Don't say that word! I hate that word!"  
He chuckled. "Hehe, I know. That's why I said it," he said, smiling. "No, but seriously, I did get you some underwear. Go wash up and change," he told you, handing you the bag.  
You gave him a look and took the plastic bag full of clothes and went upstairs to the bathroom. When you showered, you were able to wash your hair more thoroughly since you weren't in a gas station bathroom. Some leftover dirt and blood washed out when you rinsed the shampoo out of your hair. You finished washing your hair and shaved your underarms and legs. The lack of doing so in the past two years made your legs and pits probably about as hairy as the boys'. Because it had been so long since you bathed, you took a good thirty to forty minute shower before getting dried off and dressed. The first thing you found was the underwear. You and Dean had actually had conversations in Purgatory about your bra size, so those were all fine, and Dean had guessed just the right size of underwear (which much to your surprise you didn't find too weird). The biggest pair of jeans fit you and the middle size tank top and flannel shirt fit. He had only gotten one jacket, which was just a smidge big on you, but it was a nice jacket. He also got a package of socks and some nice leather boots for you, which also fit perfectly. He had also gotten you a pair of sweatpants to sleep in. You left the shoes and jacket in the bedroom you chose and went downstairs. "What's for dinner?" you asked. Dean was already in the living room chowing down on one of the biggest burgers you'd ever seen. "Never mind. Burgers," you said, laughing. You went into the kitchen, where Sam was fixing himself a plate. But then he handed it to you. "Thanks, Sam," you said.  
"Of course. You need it more than I do," he smiled as you stared at the plate that held an everything burger, fries, and baked beans. You went to the living room and sat down on the couch with Dean. A few minutes later, when you had already consumed a third of your meal, Sam came in and joined you. "Wow, you guys were hungry," Sam commented.  
"You have no idea," you told him, your mouth full.


	3. Protected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Dean decide it's time to start hunting in the real world again. Before the hunt, you bond with Sam more, but share a different connection with him than you do with Dean.

Over the next couple of weeks, you and the brothers took it easy. You stayed at Bobby's house and didn't hunt anything. Most days Dean would take Baby out for a drive and get readjusted to the real world, but you weren't quite ready for that, nor did you think you needed it. While Dean was out and about, you and Sam would get to know each other. You were nowhere near as close to Sam as you had gotten to Dean, but you thought Sam was a pretty cool guy.  
"[Y/N], why don't you wanna go into town with Dean?" Sam asked you one day.  
"I guess I'm just a coward," you joked.  
But Sam replied seriously. "You're not a coward, [Y/N]." He gave a little half smile and puppy eyes and wrapped his arm around your shoulder. "What if I offered to take you into town? I think it'd be good for you to get readjusted," he said.  
"I don't," you replied. But he gave you those puppy dog eyes again and you just couldn't say no. "Fine," you said, mad at yourself for caving so easily.  
"We can go get some lunch. Does that sound okay?" he asked you.  
"Yeah, sure," you said, getting up off the couch. He followed you and you guys went to Bobby's garage to find a working car.  
As Sam drove you into town he asked, "What kind of music do you listen to?"  
"Um, I listen to... variations of rock. I don't really listen to classic rock, but stuff like indie rock or soul rock or alternative. Some foreign artists, too," you told him, slightly embarrassed.  
"Really?" Sam asked, surprised. You nodded. "Ever listen to Mat Kearney?" he asked.  
"I love him!" you replied. "My cousin is actually married to him."  
"Really? That's awesome. He's my favorite artist," Sam said.  
"No way. Sam Winchester? A Mat Kearney fan? I refuse to believe that. You're too much of a tough guy," you said.  
"Oh, so you can like him but I can't?" He laughed.  
"Uh, yeah," you laughed back. He glanced over at you before continuing to drive. Sam parked outside a diner and you went in smiling. The bond you were forming with Sam was very different from the bond you had formed with Dean. You sat down and ate and talked to Sam more about music and movies and other things of that nature. You had a normal conversation that other people would actually have. And it was a nice change from the past two years. After you finished eating, you ordered some pie to take back to Dean.  
"Ah, so you know about the pie obsession," Sam said.  
"Of course I do. He bitched about how Purgatory didn't have pie for the whole year," you said playfully.  
"Why am I not surprised," he said.  
The waitress brought you the pie in a to-go box and Sam left some cash on the table and you left. When you got back to Bobby's place, Dean was already back and waiting for you guys when you walked through the door. "Where've you two been?" he asked.  
"Went out to get lunch," you told him. "Chill your balls. Got you some pie."  
He smiled cheesily. "You know me so well." He held out his hands and you gave him the to-go box and a fork.  
You rolled your eyes and sat down at the table with him, Sam shortly following. "So, I hope this isn't a touchy subject," you said. "But are we going to start hunting again soon?"  
The brothers looked at each other, Dean with a mouthful of pie. "I don't know," Sam said. "I guess if we all want to, then we will. But I mean, first we'll have to look for cases and figure out who's going to do what and-"  
Dean cut him off. "We don't have to organize a friggin seven act play, Sam. Let's just find a case and follow it."  
You chuckled at Dean's comment. This was a side of him you hadn't seen much in Purgatory. "Okay then," Sam said.  
"Start searching tomorrow?" you asked.  
"Deal," Dean said.  
Because you'd start hunting again tomorrow, you and the boys relaxed for the rest of the day. Around midnight you decided to go to sleep. It had begun to rain a couple of hours earlier, and the rain was turning into a thunderstorm. You hadn't slept alone during a storm like this in... ever. Storms scared the hell out of you. Not so much the storm as the random loud cracks of lightning and thunder scared you. But you always had someone by your side. Whether it was Adam, a platonic guy friend, or your college roommate. You were in that place between asleep and awake for a good hour until you decided you'd never get to sleep with this kind of weather going on. You also decided you didn't really want to sleep anyways. You got up out of bed and silently crept over to Dean's room. He was out like a light and snoring loudly. But it didn't matter because he wasn't the one you sought comfort from. Because he would only make you fall asleep, which you just determined you didn't want. So you tiptoed over to Sam's room and let yourself in. He was curled up on his side asleep. He looked so peaceful when he was asleep, you thought. But you walked over to his bed and patted his arm. "Sam," you whispered, being cautious. You knew Dean slept with a knife under his pillow and he was quick to react, so you weren't sure if Sam did the same.  
His eyes opened almost immediately and he looked over at you. "What's wrong, [Y/N]?" he asked, worried.  
"Couldn't sleep," you told him. "I hate thunderstorms... Mind if I keep you up with me?" you asked. "I just need someone to talk to, and I know that Dean will just make me go to sleep."  
"Yeah, [Y/N], sure," he said, sitting up.  
You sat down at the foot of his bed. "So Dean told me about his time in Hell," you said to Sam, trying to start a conversation, trying to find out more about Sam's experiences in the past few years. "What was it like for you? In the cage?" you asked him.  
He sighed. "To be honest, I don't remember. After I got out and I got my soul back, I had some trouble telling reality from the tricks my mind was playing on me."  
"You mean Lucifer?" you asked.  
He hesitated. "Yeah. He kinda stuck around," Sam told you. "Anyway, Cas... I guess 'cured' me and I haven't remembered anything about the cage since then. What about you? How long were you in Hell?"  
"It couldn't have been more than a few days," you told him. "It felt like months though. Maybe even a year. Dean said that was normal. He said his four months felt like forty years. So considering the fact I wasn't in there very long before Cas got your soul back and opened my cell, I'm pretty lucky to be where I am."  
"What about Purgatory? What was that like?" he asked.  
"Scary as fuck," you replied. "Every turn, there was another monster waiting to kill me. But luckily once they're gone in Purgatory, they're gone for good. And I don't know how big it is, but it's big enough where once you've killed everything coming for you within a certain radius, you don't have to be on edge as much. Which is why my year in Purgatory without Dean was significantly more terrifying than after he came around. Because then, there were less monsters and twice as many humans. So that was kinda nice," you told him.  
"Okay, well I have a question for you then," Sam said.  
"I already answered like two!" you said.  
"But I mean, on another subject."  
"Yeah?" you asked, raising an eyebrow.  
"What's your love life been like? I told you a bit about mine, so you owe me."  
"Okay," you laughed. "Well, the truth is, I used to be one of those girls who believed I would meet my knight in shining armor. But then after one asshole of a boyfriend, and a few rejections by genuinely nice guys, I stopped believing in that. It's not that I don't want it, I do. It's just that... I know I won't find it."  
He snickered. "Normally I would say you're wrong. But if you're going to be a hunter with us, you're giving up that dream. Like I said, there's no easy way out. So if you want a knight in shining armor, you'll have to settle for us. Because we're what you've got," he said. His eyes were eating at your soul.  
But what he said made you want to smile. It made you feel happy in this nightmare of a world. The thought that you had him and Dean to protect you and hunt with you made you feel so assured. You scooted over to him and hugged him tightly. At first unsuspecting, then affectionate, Sam wrapped his arms around you in return. You pulled out of the embrace and laid next to him on the bed, facing him. You and Sam talked about yourselves until you fell asleep.  
*//*  
Once [Y/N] was asleep, Sam pulled her into his arms and then pulled the covers over her, making sure she was warm and comfortable. He then went to sleep himself, his head resting just above hers.  
Dean woke up in the middle of the night after more nightmares about Purgatory. He got out of bed and walked across the house to go downstairs. Once there, he got a beer from the fridge in the kitchen and took a few precautions (salt, devil's trap, weapons) before going back upstairs. As he rounded the staircase, he saw Sam's door cracked open. *That's weird,* he thought. Sam loved his privacy. He peeked in and saw Sam and [Y/N] both asleep in the small bed, cuddling. He closed the door silently and shook it off before taking a sip of his beer. He tried to go back to sleep once he had finished the drink, but seeing [Y/N] asleep next to Sam was eating at him. He had cuddled with her plenty of times during the year they spent in Purgatory, but that was different. That was survival and protective cuddling. This was affectionate. And Dean wasn't sure what he was in for by bringing [Y/N] home to live with him and his brother.  
*//*  
You woke up early in Sam's arms the next morning. He wasn't awake yet. You were half thankful, half angry. You couldn't get out of his hold on you without him waking. But why did you want to? He was a teddy bear.  
*Screw it,* you told yourself. You wiggled your way out of his hold. He stirred, and he probably woke up, but he didn't say anything about you leaving. He just readjusted his position in bed. You went back to your room and changed back into the clothes Dean bought for you and went downstairs to make breakfast.  
You searched the fridge for fresh food and found some eggs and started cooking them up. Dean came down when the smell had evidently made its way upstairs. "Hey," he said upon coming into the kitchen.  
"Hey," you responded, glancing up from the skillet to look at him.  
"Why were you in Sam's room last night?" he asked upfront.  
*Shit,* you thought. "I, uh, couldn't sleep," you told him.  
"Why didn't you come sleep with me?" Dean asked.  
"Because I didn't really want to sleep. I knew you'd make me try to sleep and Sam wouldn't. Plus I wanted to talk to him more," you defended yourself. "Didn't you say you wanted us to be close too?"  
"Yeah, I guess." You didn't understand why Dean was getting in your business just because you fell asleep with Sam last night. You and Dean had fallen asleep together plenty of times, why was it any different with Sam?  
"Okay, well, you start looking for a case while I finish making breakfast," you told him.  
"Kay," he said as he went over to the table in the kitchen and pulled out Sam's laptop.  
"How've you been sleeping lately?" you asked him.  
"Well, sleeping itself is nice. But the actual sleep, not so much," Dean said.  
"Nightmares?" you asked.  
"You could say that," he told you.  
"It's okay. I have them too," you replied. Sam appeared in the kitchen as soon as you finished speaking.  
"Have what?" he asked.  
"Oh, I made breakfast," you said, quickly changing the subject. "Help Dean find a case for us." You dished out the eggs among the three plates you had set out on the counter, hoping four each was enough. "Here you go." You handed each brother a plate and a fork.  
"Thanks, [Y/N]," Sam said.  
"Hey, this is interesting," Dean said as he browsed the internet.  
"What?" you and Sam both said at the same time.  
Dean glanced strangely at the two of you. "Um... okay, three murders, three convicted. Vics were all male, cons all female. Weird enough to look into?" Dean asked.  
"Definitely," you said. "I don't have any fed clothes, so why don't you guys take care of that bit while I stay here and do some more research? You can call me or text me with any info you have. Okay?" you asked. Dean and Sam looked at you and nodded, then went to their rooms to get ready once they were finished eating breakfast. You, on the other hand, cleaned the dishes and started drawing up a list of possibilities. You were pulling books from the shelf when the boys came downstairs, dressed in their finest (only) suits. "Good luck, guys," you told them. "Keep me updated."  
"Will do," Dean said as he tinkered with his new phone. "We'll just call the house."  
"Kay," you said. "Bye. Be careful." They walked out the door and you continued your book pull.  
A couple hours later, after you had been flipping through the pages of age-old books, you got a call from the boys. "So get this," Sam said. "None of the women who were convicted remember why they killed their boyfriend. They remembered seeing themselves commit the murders, but they don't remember anything other than that."  
"So what, possession maybe?" you asked.  
"We thought they were some kind of special shapeshifters, but that's more likely," Dean said. You were on speaker.  
"Wait!" you said, feeling like an idiot.  
"What?"  
"A Siren. It has to be a Siren," you told them.  
"No, Sirens get men to kill their wives. Not the other way around," Dean said.  
"No, Dean, it could be a Siren. Remember the one four years ago?" Sam said.  
"I'm not saying it can't be a guy, I'm just saying the guys usually aren't the ones that get offed by the women," Dean said.  
"Yeah, but it all depends on what the Siren wants, doesn't it?" you asked. "Did you guys talk to anyone who might've been it?" There was a pause where the boys were probably either looking at each other realizing who it was. "Think of men or women," you reminded them. More silence. "Just talk to me when you get back, okay?"  
"Yeah, okay, [Y/N]. Will do," Sam said before hanging up.  
*//*  
While [Y/N] was back at the house researching, Sam and Dean were trying to track down the Siren. Sam was, at least. But Dean was worried about other things. "You getting along with [Y/N] okay?" Dean asked Sam as he drove.  
"Yeah, we're getting along great. Why?" Sam said.  
"She's important to me. You're important to me. I just wanna be sure that I don't have to abandon her for you," Dean told him. "That being said, do you like her?"  
"I just said we're getting along fine-"  
"No, I mean do you like her? I saw her in your room last night."  
"Dean, she couldn't sleep. She was probably scared that if she came and woke you up, you'd take that knife from under your pillow and react too quickly," Sam told him. "Why are you acting so weird about her? Do you like her?"  
"No, not like that, no!" Dean said. "I just know that you have a tendency to..."  
"To what, Dean?" Sam asked angrily.  
"Sleep with any girl we get involved in our lives," Dean finished.  
"So do you!" Sam said.  
"No, Sammy, I don't. I sleep with girls I pick up at bars. I sleep with girls I know I'll never see again, girls I won't form feelings for. I have the whole 'no strings attached' dynamic with the girls I sleep with. But you, Sammy. You get attached. And everyone gets hurt."  
"Well, Dean, it's not like we're ever going to leave her behind. She's in it with us now. And you're already attached to her, so what's it matter if I 'like' her?" Sam said.  
"I just don't want you to be the one to hurt her. You're my brother, Sam. I will defend you to my dying breath, but if you hurt her, I'm gonna at least hold a grudge."  
"After all you've said about how important she is to you, you'd still leave her for me?" Sam asked. "She spent the last year with you, not me. She knows how you feel more than I do."  
"But you're the one who's my brother," Dean said. "We have been through everything together, and we'll continue to go through everything together. But I know that if she has to, [Y/N] is capable of taking care of herself."  
"Dean, I'm not finishing this conversation. She's in it for the long run. No matter what. We all know she isn't leaving us anytime soon," Sam said.  
*//*  
The boys didn't get home until long past sunset. You had ordered a few pizzas and were sitting on the couch downing a beer when they came through the door. "Got any suspects?"  
"Not unless you count every employee at the city's water heater company," Dean muttered.  
"What do you mean?" you asked.  
"All of the women that were arrested worked for the same company. It's a big water heater manufacturer; it's home base is here. So we're thinking it has to be someone that works there," Sam explained.  
"What about the flowers? Did you see any when you went to the company?" you asked.  
"Yeah, there were hyacinths all over the place. Making it the perfect place for a Siren to hide," Sam said.  
"You guys made sure you couldn't have gotten infected, right?" you asked.  
"We're not amateurs," Dean said. "Of course we took precautionary measures."  
You nodded. "Okay. So are we gonna go in?"  
"In where, [Y/N]? We don't have a lead," Dean said.  
"Back to the company's offices. After hours. You said it's someone who works there, right? And you didn't have any luck trying to track it. So let's go back to the office," you said.  
The brothers looked at each other and Dean left to get changed. "What makes you so sure the Siren is still there?" Sam asked you.  
"I'm not. But it's the best idea we have," you said.  
Sam nodded and went up to his room to change. You went down to the basement and began gathering weapons and syringes. Weapons to slow the Siren, syringes to kill it. Hopefully one of you might get infected with its toxins so you could use its venom against it. You brought the stuff back upstairs and met Dean on the first floor. "Ready for your first hunt outside of Purgatory?" Dean asked.  
You nodded. "More than ever," you told him as Sam came downstairs.  
"You two sure about this? I mean, hunting again?" Sam asked. Dean snickered derisively and walked out the door with the stuff you had gathered. You shrugged to Sam and followed Dean out to the Impala, taking the backseat. Sam was shortly behind and sat in his usual spot next to Dean up front. Dean drove you to the company building, and by then it was ten o'clock, and everyone was gone. Behind the office building was a warehouse where you suspected the water heaters were stored and the Siren was probably hiding. Dean parked the Impala closer to the warehouse entrance and the three of you got out of the car and grabbed your weapons from the trunk before cautiously entering the warehouse. If they didn't kill the Siren, they would at least slow it down and give you enough time to kill it. You wondered which one of you it would try to infect. If it were a male, which it most likely was, you would probably be the one to get targeted.  
Once you entered the warehouse, you saw that it was unnecessarily large for its purpose. It was very clean and empty, not a cluttered maze like you'd expect. At least in the front half. The back half was rows and rows of water heaters and water heater parts. Sam and Dean wielded their weapons and went off in separate directions. You looked at Dean and he nodded to you, signaling you could talk. "Hello?" Your voice echoed through the warehouse. You were trying to bait the Siren, if it was even there. "Is anyone still here?" you called. You heard footsteps that weren't yours or the boys'. You listened more as the sound came closer. Heels?  
You turned and saw a woman in heels and a dress appropriate for work. She crossed her arms. "What do you need, sweetheart?" she asked. Luckily the boys were out of her view.  
"Oh, I was visiting my boyfriend that works here for lunch, and I think I dropped a necklace he gave me. I got here a little later than I expected to... Could you help me?" you asked her. You wondered why the Siren was using women to get her high. You hoped she wouldn't infect you, that one of the brothers would get targeted. Not that it would be easier to kill her, but for some reason you couldn't put your finger on, you were mortified by her. As you had been talking, Dean was creeping up behind the Siren, ready to temporarily disable her. She swiftly turned around and grabbed Dean by the throat before he had the chance to injure her. She ran her free hand along his cheek before saying, "If you kill her instead of me, you can be with me. I'll protect you the way she couldn't."  
Your eyes widened in fear as she let go of Dean and he advanced towards you angrily. "Dean, don't!" you yell as you back away from him. You didn't have anything on you but syringes. You grabbed one from your pocket as you turned and ran away from Dean. "Sam, stop Dean!" you yelled.  
The Siren stood still amongst the chaos she had created. Sam came from behind the water heaters and rammed his brother into a steel shelf. He tried snapping Dean out of it, slapping, doing anything to make his rage stop. You crouched down, scampering for the syringe you dropped in your flight. When you picked it back up and got it ready to draw blood, you turned around and saw that the Siren had stabbed Sam in the side with a ruggedly broken water heater part, and as Sam fell to the floor, he lost his grip on Dean, whose head hit the cement ground with a thud. Both of them were unconscious as soon as they landed, and you glared at the Siren. Your first hunt with your new family would not end with them dead.  
Full of adrenaline, you sprinted to her and tackled her to the ground, her at a disadvantage with the heels. You reached over and grabbed the water heater part and stabbed her in the chest with it, using the small amount of time you bought yourself while she struggled, to get Dean's blood and inject her with it. She screamed and her body turned gray and barren. You crawled over to Sam and Dean when it was over. They were lying side by side, Dean bleeding from the head and Sam bleeding from the side. "Sam!" you yelled, almost crying. "Dean!" You leaned over Dean's unconscious body. "Dean," you whispered, tapping his face. He didn't wake up, but he was still breathing. You searched his body for the keys to the Impala. After you found them, you stood up and crouched by Sam, who was also unconscious, but alive. "I'll be right back," you whispered, kissing his forehead. You sprinted to the loading dock of the warehouse, pressing a button to open a door. You ran outside to Baby, started her up, and drove into the warehouse through the loading dock. Baby screeched to a stop close to where you'd left the boys. You ran over to them, hoping one of them might have come to. But they hadn't. You opened all the doors of the Impala and grabbed Sam by the underarms, trying to lift him up enough for you to drag him back to the car. He's heavy, but you managed it. You walked backwards, his back to your chest. "Agh!" you groaned against his weight. You backed into the Impala and scooted your way across the backseat, laying Sam across it. You closed the back doors and went back to Dean. "Dean," you whispered, trying again to wake him up. It still didn't work. You get Dean back to the car the same way you got Sam back, reaching across the cab and shutting the passenger front door before settling into the driver seat and closing your own. Dean's head rested on your lap and you raced to the nearest hospital, leaving the Siren's corpse in the warehouse.


	4. Worries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Siren hunt gone awry, you and the brothers realize you have more to worry about than monsters.

You sat in a chair between the two hospital beds, your face in your hands. It had been hours, hours since you got here and they finally let you see your boys. They hadn't woken up yet. The nurses said they would, but they haven't yet. And it's been hours. You were panicking about the fact that they hadn't woken up yet when you heard a heavy inhale coming from Sam's bed. You eagerly scooted your chair closer to his bed and took his hands in yours, squeezing them tightly. "Sam!" you said as his eyes fluttered open.  
"[Y/N]..." he murmured. Then he observed his surroundings. "How'd we get to the hospital?" Then he looked in the bed next to his. "Why is Dean in a bed too?!" His voice was panicky, understandably.  
"When you dropped him, his head hit the ground really hard," you told him calmly.  
"How'd we get here?" Sam asked again.  
"I drove us here." Sam gave you another questioning look. "I brought the Impala around, dragged you guys into it, and drove us here," you told him. His face held a look of shock. "Oh, not to mention killing the Siren."  
"Are you okay?" Sam asked, fidgeting with your hand.  
"Yeah. Now that I know you guys are okay," you told him.  
"When can we leave?" he asked.  
"As soon as Dean wakes up, they'll start working on the release papers. So three hours, maybe?" you said.  
"What time is it now?"  
"About six in the morning."  
"We've been here for seven hours?!" Sam exclaimed. You nodded. "Have you slept at all?" You shook your head. "C'mere." He held out his arm and you stood up and crawled into the empty space he'd made for you on the bed, curling up next to him. He rubbed your back soothingly and it didn't take long for you to fall asleep. Sam fell back asleep with you.  
You woke up to the sound of, "Psst, [Y/N]." You carefully got back up and recognized it was Dean that had been whispering. You all but jumped onto him to hug him. "Woah, careful there," he said as he wrapped his arms around you.  
"I was so scared, Dean," you whispered.  
"I'm sorry I tried to kill you," Dean replied.  
"That's not why I was scared, but whatever. You're okay now. I'll tell the nurses you're awake so they can discharge us." You exited the room and went to the front desk and asked for the discharge paperwork. After a couple of hours, they released the brothers and the three of you went back to the Impala and back to Bobby's. "You guys should get some rest," you told them.  
"I think I'm just going to stake out in the living room," Dean said.  
"Okay." You nodded, going back to your room. Sam followed you upstairs and grabbed your wrist when you were about to go your separate ways.  
"Wait, [Y/N]," he said.  
You turned around to face him. "What, Sam?" you asked.  
"Thank you. For saving us."  
"Didn't have much of a choice, Sam," you told him. He let go of your wrist, but didn't say anything. "You okay, Sam?" you asked him.  
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. That hunt was just intense."  
"Why do you say that?" You smile.  
He half-chuckles. "Dean almost killed you. I almost killed Dean. You killed the Siren and dragged both of us back to the car and managed to get us inside it," he said. "I'm just glad we have you. We'd be dead in the warehouse if it wasn't for you."  
"I wouldn't go that far..." you said.  
"I would," he said, stepping closer to you. Then he took your face in his hands and leaned down to kiss you. All the muscles in your body suddenly relaxed, and you stood up on your tiptoes to lean into the kiss. As soon as you did so, Sam pulled away. "I'm glad Dean brought you home," he murmured. "We need you. I need you."  
You realized not only did you need Dean, but you also needed Sam. You needed both of them. Dean couldn't protect you and take care of you on his own. You needed both of them for that. But you also needed someone to protect and take care of since you lost Adam. You were about to pull Sam down for another kiss when you heard Dean yell, "Hey, Sam?" Then you heard him get up and walk across the house. You stepped away from Sam before Dean made it up the stairs. "Sam, have you kept in touch with Kevin?" Dean asked.  
"Oh, yeah, I have. I've got Garth keeping an eye on him at his safety school," Sam said.  
"Who's Kevin?" you asked.  
"Uh, long story short, he's a prophet," Sam said.  
"Like... a prophet?" you asked.  
"Yeah," Dean said. "Why didn't you bring him up when I got back?"  
"I didn't want you to worry about it. But I've been checking up on him every few days. He's fine," Sam told him.  
"We're going to see him." It was a statement, not a question.  
"No," you said, crossing your arms. "You guys just got back from the hospital. We're holding off for a while."  
"We've had worse, [Y/N]," Dean said.  
"Yeah, well, this is different," you told him. "This was your first hunt in a while, and I was the one who saved you. So I get to say what goes. Got it?" you said firmly. Dean was about to protest, but he decided against it because he knew you were right. "Now, you can call him. But we're not going to see him until I think you guys are okay enough," you told Dean. He rolled his eyes and went back downstairs. You dropped your hands back down to your side and turned to face Sam. "You should get some rest. That Siren got you pretty bad," you told him, trying to ignore the kiss you'd just shared with him.  
"[Y/N], I was asleep pretty much the whole time we were in the hospital. I'm pretty sure I've had enough rest. Can we talk about this please?" he said softly.  
"There's nothing to talk about. Let me know if you need help cleaning those stitches," you said casually, motioning at his side. Like you determined earlier, you needed him, but you didn't want to risk losing him as family.  
"[Y/N], why are you ignoring this?" Sam asked you.  
You sighed. "Because what if it's not real?" you admitted your fears. "What if I'm still in Hell? And I never got out and the last two years never happened. What if I wake up in my cell tomorrow, bleeding from every possible part of my body? Only to be put back together and torn apart again," you said sadly, remembering what happened in the few days- the year- you were in Hell.  
Sam stepped towards you again. "I'm real," he said, taking your face in his hands. "Dean is real. You're real," he told you. "I promise."  
"Sam, I just think we all need to rest. Okay? Can you just give me that?"  
"Okay. But I won't be able to sleep unless you're by my side," he said.  
Your shoulders slumped and you wrapped your arms tightly around him, hugging him. "Okay," you almost whined. He grimaced and you realized you were probably hurting his side. You quickly let go of him. "Sorry," you mumbled.  
He smiled. "It's okay." He put an arm around your shoulder and walked you to his room. You helped him take off his jacket and plaid shirt and shoes, helping him into bed. Then you took off your own jacket and shoes and crawled in next to him on the side of him that wasn't injured. He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close. And again, it didn't take long for you to fall asleep. But nightmares plagued your sleep. You tossed and turned in his arms while Sam slept soundly. Eventually it woke him up, and he held you tightly so you'd stop moving, hoping he could soothe your dreams. Your breathing evened out, but it didn't stop the bad dreams.  
*//*  
"I still can't get over how sweet of you it was to come visit us just so you could try to save your half-brother," the demon said as she sliced through your skin with a blade.  
"He's. My brother," you spat back through your teeth.  
"How does it feel not to be a member of the Winchester-kid-club?" she asked, smashing a hammer against your leg. The pain was almost unlike any pain you'd felt before, and you screamed loud enough for it to pierce through your dream into reality.  
*//*  
"[Y/N]," Sam said, shaking you by the shoulders.  
You gasped awake. "What happened?" you asked casually, trying to shake it off. Dean had been used to you having nightmares like this in Purgatory, and he knew by now that he couldn't do anything about it so he just let nature run its course.  
"Are you okay?" Sam asked you.  
"Yeah, yeah, no, I'm fine," you stuttered.  
"It doesn't seem like it. What can I do to help? How can I make you feel better?" he asked. He brushed a strand of hair behind your ear and his hand lingered on your cheek.  
"I don't know," you whispered back. "Maybe I should go back to my own room so I don't disturb you," you said quietly, trying to release yourself from his hold.  
But his grip only tightened. "You're not disturbing me. You saved my life, the least I can do is help you get some sleep. Just try to relax. I'm right here," he told you.  
You nodded slightly and buried your head in the crook of his neck, listening to the sound of him breathing. It calmed you down somewhat. You noticed your breath on his skin caused goosebumps to arise. "Sam?" you asked. "Are you okay?"  
"Mhm," he said. "Why?"  
You leaned back and looked up at him. "You seem a little... nervous," you murmured.  
He smiled and his eyes lit up at the sight of you. "I'm fine. Promise."  
"Okay," you said uncertainly, curling back up next to him. Your nightmares didn't come back over the time you were asleep, and you woke up later that evening. You checked your watch and saw that it was nine o'clock. Sam's grip had loosened on you, so you rolled out of bed and went downstairs, where you found Dean on the couch. "Have you been just sitting there watching TV since we got back?" you asked groggily.  
"Well, someone had to hold down the fort while you guys were sleeping," he responded.  
"Dean, do you have a problem with me and Sam..." You tried to find the right word. "Cuddling?" you asked.  
"No. I just feel like you've been ignoring me lately," he said.  
"Why? We argue over who gets to shower first all the time," you joked. He didn't laugh. "We spent two years in Purgatory together and you bring me home and introduce me to your brother, Dean. I thought you wanted me and Sam to get along. So I've been trying to do that. I'm sorry if it seems like I've been ignoring you," you said. "Scoot over. We're gonna watch TV together like real siblings," you told him when he remained silent.  
He looked up at you without saying anything, but he had a soft look in his eyes that told you he could never be mad at you. He obediently made room for you on the couch and you sat down next to him, pulled your knees up next to you, and leaned your head on his shoulder. "You know, I did give you the front seat with me when I drove you to the hospital," you pointed out.  
"Really?" he asked.  
"Yeah. Your head was on my lap and whenever I had the chance, I'd look down at you to see if you'd woken up yet. But you never did. Not in the car, at least," you told him.  
"Hey, [Y/N]. Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm glad you made that deal. I'm glad we ended up in Purgatory together," Dean told you.  
"Me too." But that hadn't been the deal you wanted to make. It had just turned out that way.


	5. Hell's Kingdom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley decides he isn't finished with you, the boys decide it's time to relocate, and you and Sam decide you're in love with each other. The plot thickens.

"I found my way out, Crowley, fair and square!" you yelled. "I'm not your prisoner anymore."  
"But you didn't get your brother out. Wasn't that the whole reason you made the deal with me in the first place? You FAILED," he said huskily. "I'm just being so kind as to offer you a return trip downstairs so perhaps you can get Adam this time. I'm not asking for your soul," he claimed.  
But you knew the truth. You knew that this time, Crowley would make sure you couldn't escape Hell. And you knew that there was no getting Adam's soul back. Not even for your own. When you first met Crowley, summoning him to make a deal, you didn't want the knowledge of hunters. You wanted Adam out of Hell. Intact and sane. But even the King of Hell couldn't pull that off. He told you that he could give you everything you needed to know about Hell and you could get him out yourself. What a load of shit that was. You couldn't believe yourself for falling for it. So you wouldn't make that mistake again. "I'm not having anything to do with Hell, Crowley. Or you. I'm not making any promises and I won't let you make me any either," you spat. "So why don't you just go on your way?"  
"Fine, [Y/N]. But rest assured I will find you... and your boy toys. Soon enough. And you will all be mine. And I'm not a merciful person," he said before snapping away.  
Sam and Dean were gone, had been for about three days, no doubt talking to Kevin about translating the tablets. It still baffled you how Crowley made it past your numerous sigils and hex bags. But after all, he was the King of Hell. It didn't matter how he got here. If he did it once, he can probably do it again, no matter what precautions you take. As soon as Crowley left, you ran to the bathroom to clean yourself up from the initial fight you'd had with his goons before he poofed in yelling at them. 'Can't get anything right,' he'd muttered.  
You hadn't heard them come in, but the brothers were back before you finished cleaning up. Dean walked in on you scrubbing the blood off your shoulder in the bathroom. "What the hell?!" he said before rushing to your side.  
You looked up only after hearing him speak. You hadn't wanted the boys to find out about your visit from Crowley this way. "Dean, it's fi-" you started to say.  
But he shushed you. "You're not fine! There's a bloody rag in the sink and you're trying to cover it up." He backed your shoulder with his hand and observed it. "What happened? Did you start cutting again?" Then you froze. You hadn't cut yourself since you were struggling through the year you had after you sold your soul. And you told Dean about it in Purgatory. About how you were worried you'd start cutting again because you wouldn't be able to adjust to the real world. But as soon as you got back, you had forgotten about cutting completely. It never crossed your mind, not once in the last three weeks. You stood in shock, trying to comprehend the entire word and the meaning behind it. 'Cutting'. Dean shook your uninjured shoulder. "[Y/N]! What happened?"  
"I didn't start cutting," you quickly told him. "I didn't do this to myself, I promise," you whispered.  
Sam walked past as Dean asked, "Then who did?"  
Sam stopped and leaned against the doorframe. "Did what?" he asked. Dean stepped aside to reveal the gash across your shoulder that he interrupted you from cleaning. "Oh my god, [Y/N], what happened?" Sam asked, extremely worried.  
"I'm fine!" you almost shout. "Really, guys, I'm fine. A couple of demons came by and I took 'em out. Tis but a flesh wound," you muttered.  
"Demons? How'd they find us?" Dean asked. You bit your lip and looked down. "You didn't," Dean said.  
"I didn't! It..." You sighed. "It was Crowley," you mumbled incoherently.  
"What?" Dean asked.  
"It was Crowley," you said, louder.  
"Crowley?!" Sam asked.  
"Crowley, the demon I practically gave away my soul to," you said. "Come on, keep up. Crowley, who is now the King of Hell. Crowley, who tried to get me to go back to Hell just now."  
"Go back? Why?" Sam asked.  
"He said I could save Adam this time," you replied. "He said I didn't even have to give him my soul. That he'd let me back downstairs just so I could find Adam."  
"Why? I mean, what's such a big deal to him that he wants you to find Adam?" Dean asked.  
"Don't you get it?!" you said. "Crowley doesn't want me to find Adam. He wants me to go back to Hell so he can trap me there," you told them.  
"Wait a second," Sam mumbled.  
"Crowley would kill to put all of us in Hell, [Y/N]'s no exception," Dean said to him.  
"But that's not it, Dean. It's not just because he wants to collect all the souls he can, or even because he's a dick. It's because he's scared," Sam explained.  
"Scared?" you asked. "Of what?"  
"Think about it, [Y/N]. He gave you all the knowledge of hunters. You know everything that any hunter out there knows. You're his biggest threat. You just haven't been trying to access the information lately. It's been lenient since you last used it, but it's there. You still have it. If you didn't , Crowley wouldn't have come looking for you," Sam said.  
Dean's eyes widened in realization. "We have to leave," Dean said.  
"And go where?" you asked.  
"Sam," he said, raising his eyebrows.  
Sam understood Dean's silent answer to your question and nodded. "Let's pack up our things, [Y/N]," he said. Dean left the bathroom.  
"Can you help me bandage up my wounds first?" you asked.  
"Yeah, of course," he said, stepping into the bathroom. He gently dabbed the blood-stained washcloth against your skin. After it still bled a bit, he said, "We need alcohol for this."  
"No, don't use our good vodka. This is fine. It's fine," you said.  
"I'm sure Bobby had rubbing alcohol here somewhere. I'll be right back." Sam left to look for it. In the time that he was gone, you began really thinking about him. About how you didn't love him like a brother, the way you loved Dean. You just loved him. Not platonically, either. You really loved him. No, actually, not quite to love yet. You couldn't put your finger on it. In love, maybe? In love. You were in love with him. He came back up with a bottle of clear liquid in his hand. "Found some," he said. He walked over to you and poured the alcohol into the bloody rag, about to dab your cut with it.  
"Wait!" you said, anticipating the pain. You took his hand in yours and said, "Okay. Do it." He pressed the rag against your cut firmly and a hiss escaped your lips from the pain while you squeezed his hand so hard your nails started to dig into him. "Owowow, Sam, ow!" you tried to say quietly. You'd felt pain that was so much worse, but the fact that this pain was real pain made you cringe. This pain is real. Something you hadn't experienced in quite a while.  
"I'm sorry. I'm done now, kay?" He said.  
"Yeah. Sure. Can you patch it up for me?" you asked, gazing up at Sam, whose eyes were still focused on your shoulder.  
Then he glanced back at you. "Yeah, sure. But, um, you'd have to take your shirt off so I can get around the cut."  
"Okay," you said. He stepped back and you humbly slipped your shirt off and slid your bra strap off of your shoulder. You saw that his arms had goosebumps on them while he was patching up your gash. Once he was done he replaced your bra strap and handed you your shirt. He left the bathroom as you put your shirt back on. When you noticed he was gone, you hurriedly left the bathroom and followed him back to his own room. "Sam," you said just before he got through his doorframe.  
He turned around and looked over at you with those big kind puppy eyes. "Yeah, [Y/N]?"  
You wanted to just kiss him right then and there, but you couldn't muster the bravery to do so. "Where are we going?" you asked him.  
"Somewhere safe. We found this place while we were out with Kevin today. You'll see," he said. Then he went into his room. You skipped back to your own room and started packing your backpack, the only thing you really had. 'What would make this new place different from Bobby's,' you wondered. But you slung your backpack over your uninjured shoulder and walked downstairs. "Ready to go?" Sam asked when you got back downstairs. Most of the boys' stuff was already in the Impala. You nodded and Sam walked you out to the car, where Dean was already waiting in the driver seat. You hadn't been in the car since the Siren hunt that almost ended with them dead. You hoped not all your experiences in Baby would be like that. You fell asleep on the way to the mystery destination, curled up on your side across the backseat. Sam glanced back at you when he noticed how quiet you were. "Dean," he said.  
"Yeah?" Dean asked.  
"I have feelings for her," Sam said upfront.  
"That's not exactly news, Sam," Dean replied. "I can tell you have feelings for her."  
"Can you tell if she has any for me?" Sam asked.  
"Honestly? No. I can't tell. Me and [Y/N], we're close. But we're the kind of close that I can't really differentiate from other closeness, if that makes sense," Dean said.  
"Sort of. Forget it, it's weird for me to ask you that," Sam said.  
"Well, I will give you my blessing, if you want to say anything to her," Dean told him.  
"Really? Why?" Sam asked.  
"She saved our asses. She killed that Siren. Not to mention we're each twice as heavy as she is and she lifted us up and dragged us into the car and took us to a hospital. You were right. She's not leaving anytime soon," Dean said. Sam smiled and silence ensued as Dean continued driving.  
A couple hours later, you pulled over at a Gas 'n' Sip and Dean went inside to pick up snacks. Sam got out of the car and opened the back door and shook you gently. "Hey, [Y/N]," he said quietly. You woke up, sighing inwardly and you sat up and stretched. "We're at a gas station if you want to get out for anything," Sam told you.  
"Oh, thanks," you said. "How much longer till we get there?" you asked him.  
"Probably not till early tomorrow morning." You noticed it was dark outside.  
"What time is it now?" you asked him.  
"About eleven. We still have a good five hours to go," Sam told you. You groaned. "Have you been getting good sleep back there?" he asked.  
"Eh. As usual," you told him. "I'd probably sleep better if I weren't all alone in the backseat," you said, half-smiling. "Could you sit back here with me?" you asked.  
"Sure," he said. "Just give me a minute. I'm gonna go talk to Dean. You want anything?"  
"No, thanks. Maybe a bottle of water," you said.  
"Kay. I'll be right back."  
A few minutes later, the boys came back to the car. Dean finished gassing up the Impala and Sam sat in the back seat with you. He sat on the far right and you laid your head on his shoulder and rested your arms on his chest, your legs occupying the left side of the seat. He held his left arm around your waist and leaned back into the corner. When you both fell asleep, Dean gradually turned up the volume of his classic rock so as not to wake you up. The sun had just risen when the Impala finally arrived at its destination. Dean got out and tapped on the back window of the passenger side to get Sam's attention. Sam woke up and opened the door with his right hand before gently pulling your still sleeping body into his arms and getting out of the car, carrying you in a princess-hold. Dean unloaded the trunk and opened the door for Sam to carry you inside.  
As he was going down some stairs, you woke up. Your arms were wrapped around his neck and your eyes slowly opened and you looked up at him. "Hey, sleeping beauty," he murmured.  
"Where are we?" you asked, still not quite awake.  
"In a bunker. In Kansas. It's safe," he said. "It was kind of made for hunters."  
"What's that mean?" you asked.  
"We'll tell you once you're fully awake," Sam said.  
"I'm awake," you said unconvincingly.  
He chuckled and took you to a living room area and laid you down on the couch. After about ten more minutes of sleep, you woke up for real. "Hey, [Y/N]," Dean said, walking around the couch. He took a seat in a chair next to the couch. "Have any bad nightmares?" he asked.  
"Eh. I didn't dream much, but what I did dream wasn't too pleasant. So it was better than it normally is," you told him.  
"Yeah. Why don't you go ahead and pick out a bedroom? I'm hoping this place will be a home for us. So maybe it'll help with the nightmares. But I also think you should go talk to Sam. Down the hall. Third door on your left," he said.  
"Okay," you mumbled, slightly confused. But you got up and followed Dean's directions. You knocked on the half-open door and went into Sam's room. You saw him sitting on the bed, facing away from you until you had knocked. "Sam?" you said. He looked over at you and stood up. "Dean said I should talk to you. About anything in particular?" you asked.  
"I, uh, I really don't know why he said that actually," Sam said.  
"Sam, tell me the truth," you demanded gently. Even though you were in love with him, you were more than oblivious that he felt the same way about you.  
"I've just... been thinking about us lately, and.." he trailed off.  
But you didn't need him to finish for you to go over to him and grab his head and kiss him. He immediately wrapped his arms around your waist and lifted you off the ground as he leaned into the kiss. "I think I'm in love with you," you told him breathlessly.  
"Me too," Sam breathed. "I'd been wondering how you felt about me."  
You smiled and shook your head in a silent 'shut up' before kissing him again. "Can I stay in your room?" you asked.  
"Yeah," he said.  
Later that night after you had settled in and invited Kevin over, when you slept in Sam's arms, you were plagued by nightmares once again.  
*//*  
"Hello, darling," Crowley's voice spoke, but you couldn't see him. You were tied to a chair and the only light in the room was shining in your eyes. You couldn't see anything.  
"What do you want?" you spat back in response.  
"Well, I want lots of things, sweetheart," Crowley said.  
"What do you want from me?" you clarified.  
"Like I said. Lots of things. So you do have options, keep that in mind," he said. "I want you back in my kingdom. I want the Winchesters in my kingdom as well. I want both of them to watch me torture you. I want you to watch me torture them. I want you to watch me torture Adam. I want the squirrel's boyfriend. I want the tablet. Any tablet, really. And I want the prophet with the tiger mom. But you don't have to give me all of these things. I'll settle for one of them... for now. So what's it going to be?" Crowley asked.  
"I'm not giving you anything," you said solemnly.  
"If you won't give me anything, then I guess I'll just have to torture you now." Crowley was suddenly up close and personal. He held your jaw firmly and then you suddenly felt a sharp pain beginning in your stomach, then traveling up your chest and to your head. It felt like your insides were being twisted, from the pit of your stomach all the way up to the nerves of your eyes. It was unbearable. It was like Crowley knew how to outdo the pain that had been inflicted upon you in the past. You let out a bloodcurdling scream when you finally couldn't take it anymore.  
*//*  
Sam woke up to the sound of [Y/N]'s screams. They were both on their sides; Sam had been facing away from [Y/N], but instantly rolled over and pulled her close when he heard her. She wiggled a little, as if she were struggling, so he gave her a little space before shaking her with one hand and using the other to caress her face. "[Y/N]," he whispered.  
*//*  
"[Y/N]," you heard Sam say. When you woke up, you didn't realize the environment around you was real, and you started sobbing into Sam's chest. He pulled you into him and rocked you gently. "Shhh, it's okay. We're safe. You're fine, I promise you're fine."  
"Crowley found me in my dreams, Sam," you wept. "How did he get to me?"  
"It wasn't actually Crowley. Your mind is probably still a little shaken up after seeing him the other day. It was just your subconscious. You're safe here, Crowley can't find us," Sam reassured you.  
You calmed down a little and wrapped your arms around Sam, relaxing. "I can't sleep," you told him. "Not now, at least."  
"That's fine. You don't have to if you don't want to," he said.  
"Will you stay up with me?" you asked.  
"Of course," he said, kissing your forehead.  
You couldn't stop shaking from the trauma your most recent dream had caused you. But why was it this one in particular that got to you so much? "Sam?" you whispered.  
"Hm?" he responded.  
"Tell me a story. From when you were younger. Something about you and Dean," you requested.  
"Um, okay. Well, when we were on the road, our dad would go out and hunt, and he'd leave me and Dean in a motel. This one hunt around Christmas, when he was about thirteen and I was about nine, dad had been gone for a few days, and it didn't look like he'd be back by Christmas. I didn't know dad was a hunter at the time, so I was asking Dean why he was gone. Dean got mad and yelled at me and left," Sam said.  
"When is this supposed to make me feel better?" you asked.  
"Just hold on. Okay, so Dean had left the motel. I started rummaging around, I found dad's notebook, and I learned about monsters. Dean came back and told me everything. That our dad was a hero. That he wouldn't ever let anything happen to us. Dean told me to trust him. That dad would be back for Christmas. But he wasn't back. So Dean went out..." Sam trailed off, smiling. "He went out and stole someone else's Christmas presents so I could have something to unwrap for Christmas." He chuckled. "It was all girl stuff."  
You laughed. "He didn't know what it was?" you said, laughing.  
"No, he just took this random stuff from a random house," Sam said. "Anyway, I had this amulet that Bobby had given to me to give to dad. But since dad wasn't back, I gave it to Dean."  
Your laughter subsided and now you had a gentle smile on your face. "Thanks, Sam," you mumbled into his chest.  
"Tell me a story from when you were little," he said.  
"I don't have any good ones," you told him.  
"I'll be the judge of that. Tell me a story."  
"Um... okay... when I was about twelve and Adam was seven, my mom was sick on Halloween. So she made me take him Trick-or-Treating with me. So I did. Have you seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail?"  
"Yeah, love it."  
"Okay, so me and Adam got to this house that had a bunch of steps in front of it. About halfway up the steps, there was the homeowner with the bowl of candy. So Adam goes up to him and the guy says, 'To get candy you must answer me these questions three.' And the guy asks, 'What is your name?' Adam says Adam. Then the guy asks, 'What is your quest?' Adam says to get candy. Then the guy says, 'What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?' Adam hasn't seen Monty Python, so he's just got this confused look on his face. But I had seen the movie and I understood the reference. And I say, 'Wait, an African swallow, or a European swallow?'" You started snickering. "And the homeowner starts laughing hysterically. Partly because I was the first one all night who had answered that way, partly because I was twelve and it was quite impressive. And he gave us the entire bowl of candy!" By the time you finished your story, both you and Sam were laughing loudly. "We went home after that because we didn't need anymore candy," you said as your laughter subsided.  
"I like that story," Sam said softly.  
After several minutes of silence, you were still scared to go to sleep. "So what's Kevin been telling you? Anything else about the Demon tablet?" you asked.  
"No, he's still translating. Trying to figure out how to close the gates of Hell," he told you.  
"Any general idea on that yet?" you asked.  
"Not really. But we'll learn soon enough."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Open to suggestions!!! Sorry this chapter took so long! Love y'all!


	6. Trials and Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin translates the first trial, and the boys begin their attempts to close the gates of Hell. You, on the other hand, have other hellish things to worry about.

"God's trials?" you asked. "What are God's trials?"  
"It's the three things someone has to do in order to close the gates of Hell," Kevin said. "I've only translated the first one so far. I'm still working on the other two."  
"Okay, so what's the first one?" Dean asked. "I'll get started," he stated, matter-of-factly.  
"Um, excuse you, but who decided you would take on the trials?" you asked Dean. Even though he was older than you, you were still determined to protect him.  
"I did," he said. "There's no way I'm letting any of you guys do them."  
"That's not your choice to make, Dean," Sam said.  
"Well, if it's not my choice then it's not anyone's choice," Dean said.  
"Dean, we have to make this decision together," you said, slightly hurt.  
"[Y/N], you are not-"  
"Dean, we don't even know what the first trial is yet," you interrupted him. "Kevin, what's the first trial?"  
"Bathe in the blood of a Hellhound," Kevin said quietly.  
"What the fuck does that mean?" you asked.  
"It means we have to kill a hellhound and let its blood spill on us, I'm guessing," Sam said.  
"That's exactly what it means," Kevin said.  
"How the hell are we gonna kill a hellhound?" you asked. Which you quickly followed with, "Dean, don't you dare offer up your soul."  
"Wasn't gonna," Dean replied. "All we have to do is find out who sold their soul ten years ago and kill the dog about to be on their tail."  
"Okay, but how are we going to do that?"  
"Just find out where there were any omens ten years ago and then see what else broke news shortly after," Sam said.  
"Alright then," you said. "You guys start research. I'll be right back." You went down the hall and into the room you had decided to share with Sam. You fell to the ground and your lips quivered. Ever since the dream Crowley invaded and turned into a nightmare, you'd been having regular panic attacks. It had only been a week, but you'd had at least a dozen of them. When you realized the signs that one was coming on, you'd excuse yourself from the boys. You didn't want them to know what was wrong. But they had caught on that it was something.  
Sam knocked on the door. "[Y/N]? You okay?" he asked. You shook your head and held yourself in your arms, not realizing Sam couldn't witness the response. Tears began to make their way to your eyes and you tried to keep your breathing steady. Sam, after only hearing silence, came into the room. "Oh my god, [Y/N]," he said, crouching down next to you. "[Y/N], what's going on?" You just shook your head again, your body unable to speak. "Dean!" Sam yelled. Sam sat against the bed and pulled you into his arms, rubbing your back.  
Dean rushed to the room. "What's wrong?" he asked. You were still shaking like a chihuahua and you started to hyperventilate. "Hey, keep your hands above your head, okay?" Dean said. "I'm going to go get a cold washcloth."  
You didn't know why this was happening to you, but you were shaking, tearing up, and choking on your own sobs. Sam stroked your cheek softly. "Baby, what's wrong?" he asked quietly. He took your hands in the hand that had been stroking your cheek and pulled them above your head, all without you noticing.  
You began to shake a little less and you looked up at him, your breathing beginning to even out. "You... called... me... baby..." you managed to say after a few tries. "You've... never... called me..." This time you trailed off, your eyelids beginning to fall.  
"Hey, baby." Sam patted your cheek. "Stay with me."  
You nodded and kept your eyes open and focused on Sam's. Dean came back with a cold wet rag and held it against the back of your neck. "I know you wanna go to sleep right now, [Y/N], but you gotta stay awake until your panic attack dies down," Dean said gruffly.  
You started sobbing again. "I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't," you mumbled, your head falling.  
Sam quickly picked you up in his arms. "Dean, we need to get her to a hospital," he said. "Now!" They rushed you to the Impala and the last thing you heard before your face fell asleep and your eyelids fell was Sam yelling, "Look at me, [Y/N], look at me! Keep your eyes on mine!"  
*//*  
Then you woke up in Heaven. Or was it Hell? You couldn't tell. You were on the ground, and when you sat up, you saw Adam walking towards you. "Adam?" you asked as you stood up. "Is that really you?"  
"It's me," he replied. "But I don't think that's necessarily a good thing."  
"What happened?" you asked him. "Where are we?"  
"In your head," he said. "At least, I think we are. You're unconscious. You're dreaming."  
"What happened to me?"  
"You passed out from your panic attack. You should've told Sam and Dean what was going on with you, [Y/N]," Adam said.  
"So I'll be okay?" you asked.  
"Yeah. You'll be fine. But Crowley is going to keep messing with you. Especially if one of you begins the trials. It'll be difficult to keep him off your back," Adam told you.  
"So what do I do?" you asked.  
"Give him what he wants."  
*//*  
You woke up in a hospital bed, with one of those stupid things on your finger, the faint sound of beeping in the background. You sleepily opened your eyes. Your breathing was even and you had all the feeling back in your face. You weren't shaking anymore either. But you looked around and the room was empty. You saw a note on the table by your hospital bed.  
_In case you wake up, we're at the cafeteria. We'll be back soon. Get some rest._  
-Dean  
As soon as you sighed and sat back against the pillow, the door opened and Sam and Dean entered. Their faces lit up and they both quickly took a seat by your bedside. "Hey, you're awake," Sam said.  
"Yeah, I noticed," you replied, your voice hoarse.  
"[Y/N], never do that again. Okay? Good," Dean said.  
You chuckled. "I'm sorry guys," you said.  
"Something was going on with you, why didn't you tell us?" Sam asked, holding your hand in his.  
"I didn't want you guys to worry about me. We were getting so close to figuring everything out. Closing Hell was a priority, and I thought I had things under control. Over the past week, I had it under control, I was able to recover from my anxiety by myself," you said.  
"This has been going on a week and you didn't tell us?" Dean asked.  
"I thought I had it under control," you repeated, looking down. "I'm sorry."  
"Is it the nightmares?" Sam asked.  
You nodded. "I think so," you said.  
"How many panic attacks have you had?" Dean asked, concern seeping into his voice.  
"This one was the fifteenth," you replied.  
"You mean you've been having two of these episodes every day for the past week and you didn't tell us?!" Dean said.  
"We were so close, Dean! I didn't want to risk anything by making you guys worry about something I could take care of myself..."  
"You couldn't take care of it yourself, [Y/N]! That's why we're in a hospital right now! Hell could wait, [Y/N], but what if that panic attack had been worse, huh? From now on, you put your own health before worrying about hunting. Okay?" Dean said.  
You nodded. "Okay. Can we go back to the bunker now?"  
"Yeah. Sure." Dean left to talk to the doctors and Sam leaned closer to you.  
"How are you feeling?" Sam asked.  
"Fine now. Are they sending me out with medication?" you asked.  
He chuckled. "Oh yeah. They have all kinds of pills for you. But I think there will be a few that you actually are gonna have to take."  
You let out a halfhearted laugh and played with Sam's hand in your own. "So I take it I won't be a candidate anymore for God's trials?" you asked.  
Sam smiled and shook his head. "No, it's okay. Me or Dean will do it and it'll be fine," he said.  
You were forced to rest for the car ride back to the bunker, so in return you forced Sam to sit in the back with you so you could use him as a pillow. When you got back, you clutched onto Sam as you walked inside, your legs still feeling a little shaky. You went to your and Sam's room and collapsed onto the bed. Sam took your shoes and socks and jacket off for you, and you undressed yourself from on the bed after that, stripping down do just your underwear and tank top, having already taken off your bra. Sam stripped down to his boxers and the tee shirt he always accompanied with flannel and climbed into bed next to you. You curled up in his arms and ran your hands along them. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the panic attacks. I know I should've," you told him quietly.  
"It's okay. Honestly, I would've done the same thing. But now we know it's a problem, and we need to pay better attention to it. Okay?" he murmured.  
You nodded. "Okay," you mumbled, playing with the neckline of his shirt.  
He looked down at you, the smallest little smirk on his face. Your eyes drifted up to him and you placed your hand on his cheek and kissed his jaw. He turned his head to yours and stole a kiss, which you didn't object to. You leaned into his kiss until he pulled away and said, "I want you to get some rest, okay?"  
You half-snickered and nodded before nestling your head in the crook of his neck and going to sleep.  
*//*  
All you heard was Adam's voice. _"Run, [Y/N]... He's going to get you, [Y/N]... Don't give him what he wants, [Y/N]... Get away from the Winchesters, [Y/N]... You're going to die, [Y/N]... You're going to die, [Y/N]."_  
*//*  
You woke up, gasping, in an empty bed. You looked around the room for Sam, but saw him nowhere. You got up and put on your sweatpants, going into the library, where you found the brothers. "Hey," Dean said with one of the biggest smiles of his you'd ever witnessed. "How you feeling?" he asked.  
"Better," you said. "What'd you guys do with the meds they prescribed me?"  
"Oh, here." Dean grabbed about four different prescriptions from your hospital bag.  
"Thanks," you said, hesitantly taking the pills and reading the labels.  
"So we found a lead on a hellhound that we're gonna check out today. But I want you to stay behind, okay? Keep an eye on Kevin," Dean said.  
"More like have Kevin keep an eye on me," you muttered.  
"It's just temporary. Until you're feeling normal again," Sam said. "We'll be back in a couple of days."  
The brothers finished packing up their stuff for the hunt and they each kissed you on the forehead before they left the bunker. You went to Kevin's room and knocked on his door. Silence. But you figured he had his headphones on and was translating more of the tablet, so you figured you'd wait for him to come out to eat before you bothered him. You wandered around the bunker until you found a file storage room. You checked out the labels on all of the shelved boxes and thought about rummaging through them, but decided not to. When you left the room and went back to the library, you sat down and stared at your medication. You hated that you'd have to pop so many pills. What would that do to you? As if you weren't traumatized enough. You got back up and went to your and Sam's room, sloppily leaving the prescription bottles in the sink. Then you turned around and saw Castiel. "Cas, oh my god!" you exclaimed before hugging him tightly. You hadn't seen him since Purgatory. "You got out!" you said into his coat. "How the hell did you get out?!"  
"I'm not sure," he said huskily, lifting his arms but not hugging you back. "Where are the brothers?" he asked.  
You quickly let go of Cas. "They just left for a case. You can stay here until they get back. Let's get you cleaned up," you said. But before you could even blink, he was gone again. "Cas?!" you yelled. But he had already disappeared. You went back into the bathroom and took your pills before going to the living room area, sitting on the couch, turning on the TV, and watching it until you fell asleep.  
You woke up to the sound of the door to the bunker slamming and you heard Dean talking loudly, though you couldn't quite make out what he was saying until he got to the living area. "Sammy, we'll find another hellhound, and this time, I'll kill it," Dean said.  
"No, Dean," Sam said, irritated.  
"I didn't complete the trial," Dean argued.  
"But I did," Sam said. You remained still and quiet on the couch, pretending to still be asleep for now. "Listen, Dean, this is a suicide mission for you. But I see light at the end of this tunnel. I wanna close the gates of Hell, but I want to survive it. I want to be able to live a normal life with you and [Y/N] where we don't have to worry about saving people and hunting things. So I'll do the trials. Okay?" Dean remained silent, and Sam spoke a few words in Enochian. Then all you heard was a thud and Sam was groaning in pain. You got up and rushed over to Sam.  
"Sam! Baby!" you said, trying to get him off of his knees.  
"I'm fine," he groaned, flexing his arm. "Really."  
When he seemed to be okay, he stood back up and you pulled him in for a tight hug, glaring at Dean. You could accept the fact that one of them had to finish the trials, but you didn't know that Dean intended it to be a 'suicide mission'. Which kind of pissed you off, but you let it go for now. "How long were you guys gone?" you asked after you let go of Sam.  
"Just a day and a half. Why?" Sam said.  
"I kind of slept the whole time," you said, almost chuckling.  
"Good," Dean said. "You needed rest."  
"Yeah. Hey, no nightmares," you told them.  
"That's great," Dean said, raising his eyebrows.  
"Do you want me to grab some beers for you guys?" you asked.  
"Yeah, that would be great, actually," Dean said as he took a seat on the couch. Sam followed suit.  
"Okay. I'll be right back," you said. Before you went to the kitchen, you stopped by Kevin's room and knocked on the door.  
"Yeah?" you heard him say.  
You came in. "Since when do you not listen to music at a deafening volume while you're translating?" you asked him.  
"Since I got up to make myself some hot dogs and you were passed out on the couch. I figured I should make myself available to you until the guys came back," Kevin said. Ever since he came to live with you guys at the bunker, he was a lot healthier.  
"Yeah, well they're back. Sam finished the first trial," you said. Kevin looked at you, wide-eyed. "And it caused him a lot of pain after he read the spell," you said.  
"Well, yeah, they don't call it a trial because it's easy and painless," Kevin said.  
"Kevin, are these trials going to kill Sam?" you blurted.  
He paused for a moment and sighed. "I don't know. All I know is that he's going to be really weak by the end of them. And if he loses the will to live..." Kevin trailed off.  
"So Sam's... on a suicide mission?" you asked, scared to hear the answer.  
"No. No, he's not. He just... he's going to get weaker with each trial. And completing the last one... it's gonna take a lot of his energy away, [Y/N]," Kevin said.  
"Including the will to live?" you whispered.  
"Maybe," Kevin finally admitted.  
You stormed out silently, wiping away your unshed tears on your way to the kitchen to get the beers you promised Sam and Dean. When you got back to them in the living area, you sat down on the couch between them and handed them each a beer, having none for yourself. Sam draped his arm around your shoulder and looked at you. He could tell something was wrong. "You okay?" he asked quietly enough that Dean didn't hear.  
You nodded, a silent lie. "Yeah, I'm fine," you whispered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please keep commenting y'all!!! It's the only way this thing will keep happening!!!


	7. Everyone Wants to be a Hero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You learn about Dean's true motives, but luckily they don't matter. Castiel reappears, and results in your immediate stress. Your relationship with Sam intensifies in more ways than one.

"A suicide mission? Really, Dean?!" you asked him angrily, crossing your arms.  
"What?" he asked, confused as to what you were talking about.  
"I heard you and Sam talking when you got back from the trial," you told him. "I heard Sam say you knew you wanted to do the trials because you wouldn't survive them," you said.  
"That's not the only reason I wanted to do the trials, [Y/N]; I want to close the gates of Hell!" he said.  
"I understand that, but I can't believe you didn't tell me that you were fine with dying at the end of it all!" you yelled. "What, were you just not thinking about me or Sam? What it would do to us if you died and we had to have our apple pie life without you? There's a difference between selfish and selfless, Dean."  
"[Y/N], I'm doing this FOR you two!" Dean said.  
"No, Dean. You're doing it for yourself. You are only thinking about how you want to be the one who closed Hell. You aren't thinking of anything past that."  
"What about Sam, huh? Am I just supposed to let him do this on his own?" Dean asked.  
"Yes!" you said. "Sam wants to live through this so we can all live a better life together. Can't you let him do that? Or at least try?"  
"[Y/N], I think you and I both know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. But it's not the kind you want to go into," Dean said solemnly.  
"How'd you know?" you asked quietly.  
"I talked to Kevin about it," he replied.  
"Kevin told me that as long as Sam keeps the will to live, he'll be fine," you mumbled.  
"Yeah, well I'm sure he also told you that by the end of this, the will to live might be ripped out from beneath him," Dean said.  
You looked down at the ground. "Dean, I just... I wish I could do this for you guys," you admitted.  
"Why would you ever want that?" he asked.  
"Because... I mean, you guys don't need me here. And if I were the one finish these trials... I don't know, maybe I could be with Adam."  
"No, don't you dare talk like that!" Dean said. He walked over to you and pulled you into his arms. "We do need you here. Okay? Adam wouldn't want you to be with him, he'd want you to stay here, with us. I can promise you that," he spoke into your hair.  
You nodded sadly and pulled out of his embrace. The anxiety was changing your moods and feelings- which was not fun, to say the least. Dean looked at you sadly when Kevin ran into the kitchen, where you and Dean were standing. "I translated the second trial!" he said, out of breath.  
"What is it?" you and Dean asked simultaneously.  
"Deliver an innocent soul in Hell to Heaven," Kevin said.  
You looked at Dean. Then you ran to the library, where Sam was. "Sam, hear me out," you said.  
"Hear you out on what?" Sam asked as Dean and Kevin walked in.  
"The second trial," Dean said. Sam stood up. "Is to get an innocent soul out of Hell and take it up to Heaven."  
"Sam, you have to take Adam. Please," your voice was quivering with the fear that he'd say no. "Sam, please!"  
"[Y/N], Adam's in the Cage. Even if we figure out how to do this trial, I don't think I'll be able to get Adam out of the Cage," Sam said.  
"Well, you could at least try! Try and then if it doesn't work, save someone else. Sam, all I want is for my baby brother to be safe. Please, at least try to give me that," you whispered. Then you took a big gulp and said, "If you don't try, then I will. I'll take Crowley's offer and try to get Adam out myself. And if I can't, then I guess I'm stuck in Hell."  
"What is this, an ultimatum?" Dean said. "There is no way in hell that's happening."  
"Then Adam needs to be the innocent soul Sam saves," you said, glancing at Dean, then looking back over to Sam. "Please, Sam, at least try. Try for me."  
"Okay. But if I can't save Adam, I need you to promise me you won't make any deals with Crowley," he told you.  
"Okay. I promise." You smiled widely and jumped into Sam's arms. "I want to be there with you though, when you finish the trial. I want to help you with this one," you said into his neck.  
"Okay. Can I talk to you in our room for a sec?" he asked.  
"Yeah, sure." He let you go and led you back to your room. "What did you wanna talk about?"  
"How've you been feeling?"  
"Fine, lately. I've been taking my pills. Why?"  
"I heard you yelling at Dean earlier," he said.  
"Did you hear what I was saying?" you asked.  
"I made out some of it. But I didn't have any context."  
"I'm just... I was, at least, really pissed at him," you told him.  
"Okay, well, there's no reason to be upset anymore. He's not doing the trials. I am. And I'm gonna live through them. For you." He brushed a strand of hair behind your ear and you smiled.  
"Good," you said quietly, still wearing the grin. "Let's get back to the library with Dean and Kevin."  
"Wait." He held your wrist. "I just want to stay here with you for a bit."  
"Why? What's wrong?" you asked.  
"Neither of us has been in top condition lately. And I know that even though you'll get better, I'll get worse. A lot worse," Sam said.  
"Yeah, but you'll be fine once the trials are over," you said.  
"Still... I just..." He took your face in his free hand and kissed you, gently at first but then growing more passionate with every passing moment.  
You pulled away when you needed to breathe, placing your hand on his chest. "Sam," you whispered.  
"Hm," he moaned, pressing his forehead against yours. You wanted to tell him that the doctor said you shouldn't do anything too intimate at risk of having an anxiety attack, but you wanted Sam even more. You pulled him by his shirt back down to kiss you, being very gentle with your kiss even as it deepened. Sam picked you up by your waist and held you against him, still kissing you. You could feel him smile, and you smiled in return. Until your face began to tingle. You pulled away from the kiss, pushing yourself away from Sam. "What's the matter, baby?" he asked, sensing what was wrong and setting you down immediately.  
"The doctor," you said, catching your breath. "The doctor said..." You had to compose yourself. "I shouldn't be intimate until my meds..." You took deep breaths. "Make my anxiety unnoticeable." You sat down on the bed once you were finished and kept breathing, holding your hands up behind your head. You knew you had to remain calm or else it would get so bad they'd have to take you to the hospital.  
"Okay, what can I do to help? Do you need your medicine?" he asked. You nodded and he went to the bathroom and brought back a handful of those stupid orange prescription bottles. "Which one do you need?" he asked.  
"The powder blue one. I only need one," you breathed. "And some water would be nice."  
Sam went back to the bathroom, took one of the powder blue pills out of the bottle, set the rest of the bottles down, filled a cup with water from the sink, and brought it back to you. You took the pill and accompanied it with a gulp of water. Your breathing evened out after a few minutes and you were able to stand up again. "[Y/N], I'm so sorry," Sam said calmly.  
"No, it's okay, that was my fault, I knew what I was getting into," you said. "Let's just go back to the library, okay?"  
Sam looked at you with concerned eyes and said, "Yeah, sure." He took you by the hand and you went back to the library to do some research on how the hell you'd get Sam to Hell.  
"Hey, I found something," Kevin said after a couple of hours.  
"What is it?" you asked.  
"We can get a reaper to taxi Sam into Purgatory, and from there all he has to do is find the door to Hell, find whoever he ends up saving, and get back to Purgatory in time for the reaper to bring him back. The rest takes care of itself," Kevin explained.  
"How are we going to convince a reaper to give Sam a taxi ride to Purgatory?" Dean asked.  
"We'll cross that bridge when we get there," Sam said.  
"Sam needs to know how to handle Purgatory," you said under your breath.  
"What?" Dean asked.  
"Sam doesn't know how to handle Purgatory," you said, louder. "Not like we do. We'll have to train him for it. And I'll have to tell him how to get to the door to Hell. And he'll have to know how to open the portal to Earth from Purgatory in case he doesn't get back to the reaper in time."  
Sam looked up at you, wide-eyed. "What? It's not just... Purgatory? Isn't it just like killing monsters, but a second time around?"  
"Oh no, Sammy," Dean said grimly.  
"No, baby, it's a lot worse than that," you told him. "Purgatory is purely monsters. As soon as you're there, they are going to sniff you out and make every attempt to kill you as messily as they possibly can. They're all gonna jump on you at once. And it's not going to be easy killing them."  
"Okay, [Y/N], I love you, but please don't call my brother baby in front of me," Dean said.  
You smile and giggle while Sam still looks worried about Purgatory. "Sam, you'll be fine. You just need to be prepared," you told him. "And Dean, if you can call your brother Sammy, then I can call him baby. At least he's human."  
"Hey, don't bring my Baby into this!" Dean said. That time, even Kevin laughed.  
"Anyway, Sam, I'll tell you where the door to Hell is and then Dean can tell you about the portal back to Earth and we can start training you for the onslaught of monsters that'll be attacking you in Purgatory. Okay?" you told him.  
"Yeah, sure, sounds good," Sam nodded.  
"I'll be right back. I have to take my other pills for today." You stood up and patted all three boys on the shoulder before going back to your bathroom and swallowing down your pills. When you came back, the boys were standing in the middle of the library, their backs to you, and they were talking angrily. You rushed over to them and shoved them out of the way, and you saw Cas standing there. "Cas, you're back! Where'd you go?!" you yelled.  
"Back?!" Dean turned to you and asked. "You mean he was here earlier and you didn't tell us?!" His voice rose.  
"Yeah, for like five seconds!" you defended yourself. "I tried interrogating him, but then he disappeared! I figured it would be useless for me to tell you."  
"Dean, relax, okay?" Sam's eyes flicked back and forth from Dean to you. You knew he was trying to silently tell Dean to stay calm so your anxiety wouldn't act up. Which you both appreciated and hated.  
"Dean, I'm fine," Cas said in his signature gravelly voice. "I've been busy since I got back from Purgatory."  
"With what, Cas?!" Dean asked angrily.  
"With angel things. Believe it or not, not everything revolves around you boys," Cas said angrily.  
"He didn't mean it like that, Cas," Sam said. "It just would've been nice if you had been around the past few days."  
"Well, I'm here now. And I'm here to help with anything you need. I've heard Sam's taken on the trials," Cas said.  
"Yeah, he has," you told the angel.  
"I'd like to help," he stated.  
"No, thanks, Cas, but we have this one so far on our own; we can finish it without you," Dean said.  
"Dean, let him help," Sam said.  
"Why should I?" Dean asked.  
"Because we could use it, believe it or not," Sam said irritatedly. "Besides, I'm the one going through the trials, I should get to say whether Cas helps or not."  
"Dean, we could use his help," you begged of him.  
"No, Sam. [Y/N]. It's alright. Clearly I'm not wanted here so I'll just leave," Cas said before you heard wings flapping and he was gone.  
"Dean!" you said angrily. "Why? Why would you do that?"  
"He doesn't deserve to help," Dean muttered.  
" _He doesn't deserve to help?_ " you asked. "Who the hell do you think you are to say that? He's the only reason you and I are standing here today, Dean. And you know it."  
"Listen, [Y/N], he's been back from Purgatory for who knows how long. He's clearly been preoccupied with other things so why don't we just let him finish whatever it is he's up to with out us, okay?" Dean responded.  
"No, not okay Dean, he was offering us his help and you sent him away without even asking us," Sam said.  
"I'm just gonna leave since I don't have a stance here," Kevin said awkwardly as he began going back to his room.  
"No, Kevin, hold on," Dean said.  
"It's okay, Kevin. Don't listen to him. You can go," you said quietly, done being argumentative with Dean. When he left, you rubbed your head and said, "Why don't you guys just work this out, okay? I'm going to go to the store to pick up some food." Your voice was eerily calm, almost tired.  
"What's the matter, baby?" Sam asked after you had turned around to go to the garage.  
"Nothing, I'm fine. I just want all this arguing to stop," you replied.  
The boys stood there in silence after you left the room.  
*//*  
When you got back from the store, you went into the kitchen to stock everything you had bought. As you were reaching up to put some cereal in one of the higher cabinets, you felt warm arms wrap around you. Sam nested his head on your shoulder and you leaned back into him once the cereal box was in its place. "I'm sorry we stressed you out earlier," Sam murmured into your skin.  
"No, it's not your fault. I shouldn't have asked that of you guys," you said. "Your reactions were understandable."  
"Dean and I don't know how to be more aware of your anxiety, I'm sorry for that. We're trying our best," Sam said, almost ignoring your prior statement.  
"Don't worry about it, Sammy, really," you said, closing your eyes.  
Sam began trailing kisses across your neck as his hands moved around your waist so he could turn you around in his arms to face him. "I don't think you should come with us for the second trial," he told you, looking into your eyes.  
"What?" you asked. "You promised me I could come..."  
"[Y/N], I don't want you to be worried about me. I don't want you to have a panic attack while you're waiting for me if I'm a minute late. I think it's best that you stay here with Kevin. He's under a lot of stress, too, maybe you guys can talk it out," Sam said.  
"No. You made me a promise and now you have to keep it. It'll be even worse for me if I can't be there with Dean to wait for you. If I can't be there when you say that spell that we both know is going to cause you a lot of pain. I _have_ to be there for you. End of discussion."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. It's kind of been sitting around on my phone even though what I just wrote of it is only about 5% of the chapter.


	8. Consequence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second trial results in many things. The short-term spells misfortune in every direction. The long-term supposedly will make it all worth it. Sam gets worse, you're condition sways, and Dean struggles to hold the pieces together.

And you were there for him. At least, you thought you were. "Why isn't he back?" you asked Dean as you leaned up against the impala in the middle of the wilderness in Maine. "The reaper said twenty-four hours; it's been almost thirty-two," you said.   
"Woah woah woah, calm down, [Y/N]. Even if something did happen to the reaper, we gave Sam directions. He probably just got lost. I'm sure he'll find his way out," Dean told you.   
"No, but what if he doesn't? What if he's hurt, I mean we know what it's like in Purgatory. What if he's dead?" you ramble, your breathing heavy. _Oh no,_ you think. _It's happening again..._ You start pacing.   
"Hey, [Y/N], calm down," Dean said, grabbing you by the shoulders. "He'll be back. Any minute now." You could tell though, that Dean was having trouble convincing even himself of that. He pulled you into a tight hug and stroked your hair. "He'll be back," he repeated.   
Over the next hour Dean had to sit against the impala and hold you in his arms so that you wouldn't have a panic attack. But it didn't prevent you from crying. Until there was a sudden flash of light that rocked the impala. Your head immediately jerked up and you shuffled quickly out of Dean's lap, running to the source of the light. Dean was quick to follow. You saw a figure stumble through the trees and you rushed over to catch Sam. "Sam!" you said, relieved he made it back. Sam regained his balance and rolled up his sleeve. His arm was glowing red with the soul it contained. "Sam, who is it?" you asked, afraid of the answer.   
Sam looked at you in silence, and his eyes were begging for forgiveness. "I'm sorry," he whispered weakly. You inhaled deeply, trying to ignore the pain those two little words brought you. "I couldn't find Adam, I couldn't even find the cage, [Y/N]. I walked around Hell for at least a mile trying to find it. I didn't know what else to do, and Bobby was right there... I had to get him out [Y/N], I'm so sorry. I promise, I tried," Sam said.   
As the words sank in, you felt more and more numb. So you just replied, "It's okay, Sam. I forgive you." You were actually quite thankful you weren't having a panic attack right now.   
"Come on, let's get on with the trial," Dean said quietly. He grabbed Sam by the wrist and pulled out a blade and cut Sam's glowing arm as Sam recited the spell. As they were doing this, you were slowly backing up without really focusing on anything and you backed into a tree and slid down it, pulling your knees to your chest and gently rocking back and forth sadly. Sam's words rang in your head.  
All of the sudden Sam was on the ground groaning in pain, but this was much worse than his reaction after the first trial. It took him a few minutes more before he said he was okay. But you were still numb, frozen, clinging to the fact that Sam couldn't get Adam out of Hell. If he hadn't even found the cage, there was a zero percent chance that you could find it if you took a trip down there. Crowley probably hid the cage since you got back from your trip downstairs. No way to get Adam back. Ever.   
When the boys looked over to you, they grew worried. Dean immediately rushed to your side and picked you up princess-style while Sam was still slightly doubled over in pain. Dean jogged back to the impala with you in his arms, Sam just barely trailing behind. You were still numb. But hey, at least it wasn't a panic attack. Or if it was, it was taking a much more mental toll on you rather than a physical toll. Dean opened his door and sat you down in the middle of the front seat as Sam sat down on the passenger side, then Dean took his place in the driver's side and closed his door, starting the long journey back to the bunker.   
After a few minutes, you gained consciousness of your surroundings and cuddled up next to Sam, pulling your legs up next to you and leaning your head against his chest with your arms wrapped around his waist. If Sam didn't know any better, he'd think you were silently crying. He put his left arm around your waist and nestled his chin in your hair. "I'm so sorry, [Y/N]. I wish I could've done better for you," he murmured into your hair.   
"It's okay, Sam. I forgive you," you said numbly.   
_Please don't do anything stupid,_ Sam thought to himself. He just sighed and stroked your hair.  
When you arrived back at the bunker, Dean picked you up again and took you back to you and Sam's room, Sam trudging along behind you. "Do you need your medicine?" Dean asked quietly as he set you down on the bed. You nodded, your eyes closed, and Dean removed your arms from around his neck. He went to the bathroom and grabbed the prescription bottle that prevented oncoming panic attacks and filled a cup with water from the sink and brought them over to you.   
Sam stepped into the doorframe as you took the pill, looking out of breath and weaker than ever. The circles under his eyes had grown noticeably darker and his face looked thinner, as if he were dying. Dean left the room, patting his brother's shoulder on the way out. Sam made his way over to bed and kicked off his shoes, falling onto the bed immediately. He pulled you close to him, as if you were the only thing that mattered right now, despite his deteriorating health. "Sam," you mumbled, eyes still closed.   
"Hm?" he asked.   
"Don't give up. Don't let these trials take you away from me, okay?" you said, opening your eyes but still not looking up at Sam.  
"Why on earth would you think I'd do that?" Sam asked.  
"I just don't want you to lose the will to live because of what these trials are doing to you," you whispered hoarsely.  
Sam lifted his head to look down at you, furrowing his eyebrows. "Hey." He tilted your chin up so you'd look at him. "I'm not going anywhere. Especially not leaving you like this," he said. "I'll be fine. I always am."  
You nodded and buried your head in his neck, wrapping your arms around him. He pulled you close to him, his arms wrapped around your waist, and you fell asleep like that.   
*//*  
"Kevin, Sam is getting worse," Dean said once Sam and [Y/N] had gone to sleep.  
"Well, they're not called trials for nothing," Kevin said.  
"It's not funny, Kevin."   
"I'm not laughing, Dean." Kevin sighed.  
"Well, is there a way to fix it?" Dean asked after a moment.  
"Not unless he stops doing the trials, no."  
"Dammit," Dean muttered under his breath.  
"What did you expect, Dean? That it would be all sunshine and rainbows? These are tasks designed by God himself, they're supposed to be painful."  
"Not this painful."  
*//*  
You woke with a start, thankful that for once your nightmare didn't result in screams and violent thrashing. You felt an immense amount of heat radiating from Sam, so much that you were compelled to shove off the covers and press the back of your hand to Sam's forehead. He was burning up. You tried to gently shake Sam awake, and when he didn't, you abandoned the idea of trying to be gentle, shaking him harder, but to no avail. You quickly jumped out of bed, noting that it was almost three in the morning, and ran to Dean's bedroom door, pounding. "Dean, I'm sorry to wake you up but this is an emergency!" you called. "It's Sam!" As soon as you spoke the last two words, you heard a shuffling, followed by Dean's door being eagerly opened. "Sam's got an insane fever, he's burning up! It's not going down, I- I don't know what to do! He won't wake up!" you cried, covering your face with your hands.   
"Shhh, [Y/N], relax," Dean reminded you. "Calm down, I'll fix it. You just go calm down, okay? There's some ice cream in the kitchen." You nodded and stood still by Dean's door as he ran to you and Sam's room. Once there, Dean grabbed the trash bin from the bathroom, pulled out the trash bag, and filled it with ice cold water from the bathtub. Dean went back over to your bed, where Sam was still sound asleep, save for some slight twitching his dreams were probably responsible for. "Sorry Sammy," Dean groaned through his teeth as he lifted the bin now filled with icy water and splashed it onto Sam.   
Sam immediately sat up, gasping for air from the sudden unexpected water that entered through his nostrils. "What the hell, Dean?!" Sam yelled, wiping his face.   
"[Y/N] woke up and said you were burning up and weren't cooling down or waking up, I had to do something," Dean said, starting his explanation with the same angry tone, and gradually becoming more calm. "I didn't want her having a panic attack so I told her I'd take care of it. I told her to get some ice cream but I don't know if she did," Dean said quietly. He grabbed Sam a towel from the bathroom, which Sam thankfully snatched from his hands and got out of bed, removing his now soaking wet shirt and searching for a new one.  
"Go check on her, please, while I dry everything off," Sam said.  
Dean nodded and went to the kitchen, where he found you eating the ice cream straight out of the container. "Wow, I didn't think you'd heard me back there."  
"I did," you mumbled, mouthful of vanilla bean. "Well, not at first, but I did."   
Dean chuckled. "I, uh, kind of threw freezing water at your bed to wake Sam up, so he's drying everything off. Should give you enough time to finish up that ice cream."  
This time you chuckled. "Thanks. For understanding, I mean. I know I'm becoming a burden, and it's really unfair."  
"Why would you say that?" Dean asked, squinting his eyebrows.  
"Because Kevin's a mess, I'm a mess, now Sam's a mess. But Kevin and Sam can't help the fact that they're a mess, and you already have to take care of them, and then when you add me onto that pile, it's just not fair to you. I should be helping you take care of them. I don't have any reason to be a mess," you said, digging a big scoop out with your spoon.  
"Hey, don't say that. You have just as much of a right to be a mess as Kevin and Sam do. You have a lot on your plate, too. Don't think that just because your condition is something anyone could have, that you can't be a hunter anymore. Okay? You can't help it either. And I know that you are tough enough to pull through... But that doesn't mean you have to do it alone, okay? I'm here for you. Kevin's here for you. And most of all, Sam is here for you. The four of us, we have to support each other. We're each others' support system, okay?"  
You nod. "Okay."  
"Go get some sleep, okay, [Y/N]?" Dean asked gently. You nodded and as you moved to exit the kitchen, Dean caught you in his arms and enveloped you in a hug, kissing your temple before releasing you.   
You went back to you and Sam's room, where he had just gotten some fresh, dry sheets and was about to put them on your bed. "Want some help with that?" you asked him. He hadn't noticed you in the room until you spoke, and he immediately dropped the set of sheets onto the bed and came over to hug you.   
"I'm so sorry for worrying you like that," he murmured into your shoulder.  
"It's fine. I'm fine. You just worry about you," you whispered back.   
Sam released you from his tight yet loving hold. "So you wanna help me make the bed?"  
You chuckled. "Sure."  
*//*  
"Sam! [Y/N]!" Dean's shouts woke you up the next morning.  
You sat up groggily while Sam sat up as quickly as he could- which was not very. "What, what's going on?" you asked, rubbing your eyes.   
"Kevin's gone!" Dean yelled, appearing in your doorway.   
You lifted your head, now fully awake. Sam stood on unreliable legs. "What do you mean he's gone?" he asked.  
"I mean he's nowhere to be found in this entire bunker, and his room is a mess, like there was a struggle," Dean said.  
"What, do you think demons took him?" you asked, getting up and going to the bathroom to take your pills.   
"No, no it couldn't have been demons. We're completely off the radar to everyone. Demons and angels alike," Sam murmured, struggling to stand on his own.   
"Then what?" you asked, swallowing your pills.   
"I think I have an idea," Dean muttered before storming off to wherever it was he was going.   
"What?" Sam called after him. "Dean!" he yelled, trying to make his way to the door.  
"No no no, Sam. Let him go. I'll talk to him. You need to sit down and rest. Go back to sleep, please baby," you said, putting a hand on his arm and helping him back into bed. He just nodded and fell back asleep as soon as he hit the mattress. You shut the door as you left the room and found Dean in the library. "Dean, what is going on?" you asked, facing him across the table.  
"I have a hunch on what took Kevin," Dean said.   
"Okay, so what's your hunch?" you ask.  
"There's only five people that know where this bunker is. You, me, Sam, Kevin, and..."  
"Castiel," you whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have Chapter 9 planned out and hopefully I can get it out to you quickly.

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me if you want me to keep writing this. It's much appreciated.


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